This morning is a memorial service for a woman I knew. It actually started a bit ago.

Her name was Sara. Her obituary actually didn’t really sound like she wrote it, or I should be more specific, it didn’t sound like the obituary she originally wanted. It also didn’t contain any information about making contributions in her memory to things that were important to her.

For decades, we have all known this adorable little house as Sara Pilling’s house. Sara died in early July. The always too absent while being the more local son is cleaning it out.

Yes there’s been stuff all over the lawn this week. And yes, we know this is what happens. It’s not like it’s cruel. It just feels cruel and there’s a great finality to those of us who knew her. I kind of wish that dumpster could have waited until after the memorial service to appear.

I said goodbye to Sara when she called me in January to tell me she had cancer and it was terminal. Back then she thought she only had a few short weeks and she actually got a few extra months.

We had been mostly disconnected almost the past year prior to this, because to be honest, I couldn’t deal with the other things that were ailing her. I chose that route because I didn’t wish to fight with someone that I actually loved who was turning 89 years old. I wanted to remember her as I knew her for more than a couple of decades.

She was a bright, yet complicated and fiercely independent woman who did not have a very nice life at times. She did her best in a time that was often not really nice to women, and honestly, sometimes I felt she was born in the wrong time. That leaves its mark. She had the most basic human desires to be liked, loved and more importantly? Belong.

I also chose to remove myself because when she was in that last stage of life, literally the death watch beetles appeared out of nowhere. People who were in a lot of cases incredibly hypocritical because they really weren’t friends with her. Some I know neither cared for her nor respected her. I also chose not to bear witness to that, and I don’t know why people do that.

I also felt something was wrong healthwise prior to her 88th birthday and she didn’t want to go to the doctor. Let’s face it, if you knew her you knew she didn’t like hospitals and didn’t trust a lot of medical professionals.

We also had differences of opinion about her constantly going to “No King’s” protests when she was becoming far less mobile and no one knew what was wrong with her but healthwise you knew something was off because she was getting quite frail. One of the protests I was most concerned about ironically is where they arrested the man with all the weapons in West Chester Borough, and where she had been that day was probably only a block or so away.

As a result of those different opinions between us, she really sniped at me after that. And that did hurt at first because we had been truly close. If you didn’t agree with something Sara decreed, she was unpleasant. I always thought that was a defense mechanism on her part.

Sara died in early July, after the Fourth of July.

That has made a lot of us who cared for and knew Sara at one point in time or another very sad. She’s literally one of those women that you just thought would go on. I’m really grateful that a mutual friend helped find her beloved dog a new home.

After she died, people kept waiting for an obituary to appear. One didn’t appear until a couple of weeks ago, and it seemed more perfunctory than personal and not really capturing the essence and life of the deceased. Sara gave and gave her time to many people and many things over the course of her life.

Then came the planning of the memorial service. If you were really close to Sara, you knew for probably the last seven years what she wanted to happen when she passed on. You knew the music, you knew whom she wanted to speak. You knew what about her life she wished to be remembered. And above all else, you knew that it didn’t have to be the last supper after the service, but she wanted it to be gracious. Well, along comes the literally brown bag, potluck email. Cheap and mean and petty IMHO.

As a result, there are those of us whom you will not see at her memorial service now in progress. It’s not a sign of disrespect to her. It is actually a sign of respect because we knew her wishes. We know where the grave will be, and we will take her sunflowers at another time. Hopefully someone at least has remembered that Sara wanted a church full of sunflowers.

I’m also not going because of the people in Radnor Township (politicians and others) who literally were not nice to her most of the time who are all now saying “Oh such a great loss blah blah blah” when you know in their heads they’re thinking things like “Oh good she won’t be at meetings anymore or emailing us.”

Sara should be remembered for being a driving force behind the Skunk Hollow Garden in Radnor.

She should be remembered for her big part in working with volunteers to help save the Willows Cottage, which now is a train wreck because Radnor and the Radnor Conservancy allowed it to rot after the crazy amount of money that was raised to restore it.

She should also be remembered for the one who tried to get Radnor to pay attention to what was being sprayed in the fields close to Ardrossan near the cows. This was after the land was subdivided for lots of mansions in part.

She should be remembered for her work in Haiti, which was considerable.

She should be remembered for being a master gardener who shared her knowledge. She didn’t lord over people with it. I will remember with fondness our many trips to Lancaster County for plants over the years.

She should be remembered for more ordinary things like her wonderful quilting and the knitting and other things that she did. She taught me how to make jams and preserves. She taught me many things about gardening.

She was also incredibly knowledgeable about the history of the region because she descends from a family that just went back far enough.

She should also be remembered for having been the last surviving grandchild of Charles Barton Keen the esteemed architect of places like the….Willows. (Willows Park Preserve as a related aside should do better remembering her that just a tree like I heard.)

Again, Sara was a remarkable, albeit complicated human being. I will honestly miss the many conversations we had over the many years I was connected to her. I will miss the random acts of email or text messages that were often quite amusing.

Until she didn’t like the fact that I didn’t agree with her on everything, she often referred to me as another daughter and being an other mother to me, which were incredibly meaningful compliments as I always knew how much she missed her real daughter, who had died shortly before we really became real friends. She also never got over that loss. I have two baby trees off of the redbud tree in her garden that she planted in honor of her daughter.

Soon her house will be on the market. I bet you it becomes a teardown because so many people can’t be bothered with old houses. It’s really sad and that will truly leave its mark. Sara made that house her home and she had a lovely garden.

I don’t feel badly about not being at the memorial service. I do not do death circuses even if they are small.

Please refrain from telling me you’re sorry for my loss. I have already grieved this loss. This is like the period on the end of the sentence.

Sara had a quote that she had on every email at the bottom where her signature was. I always liked it and I will close with that:

“Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Walk humbly with your God .”[Micah 6:8]

POST SCRIPT:

They didn’t even get sunflowers and the eulogy? Well when someone gives a eulogy that no one will remember particularly?