Tag Archives: life in the land of women

life in the land of women 2024

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2024 has been an interesting year for so many reasons. And as a woman, I find it somewhat perplexing and the reason for that is because I really don’t understand some of my own species.

First up are people you are not connected to in any way any longer. I mean there are people I’ve said before. It’s that old saying reason, season or lifetime.

Recently I had someone who belongs in the category of season. Send me a Facebook friend request. This was after she kind of did me dirty a few years ago. And it was really dirty and mean. I moved past it and am happy to run into her on occasion, but that’s as deep as it goes.

Once upon a time I had been Facebook friends with this person, but then when they were basically talking about me behind my back to curry favor with other women, I just quietly unfriended them. So that was a question of trust, and once trust is broken with me, I really can’t go back.

Trust is a big deal in any kind of relationship and some people can just go on like nothing happened, but I can’t. Ask an ex-boyfriend from like 35 years ago. He cheated and that broke trust and I tried to get past it but yeah no, it was over. I guess he was a reason and a season.

And then recently, I realized who some particularly unpleasant women who are older than I were. Many years ago when my friends and I were single and much younger, we used to run into this certain crowd of women at parties.

If you’re a woman, you’ve all met these women. They are the ones that used to literally block the way to food or alcohol at parties (1) because they drank too much and (2) because the men had to go past them.

I remember one of them from a few years ago and she had become so unpleasant that she was a reason I stopped volunteering somewhere Or should I say one of the reasons. Knew everything much better than everyone else. Arch and rude. And stupid.

Now these women are masquerading as church ladies and church lady volunteers. Only they aren’t really literally or figuratively church going ladies. It’s more like a great launching pad for post menopausal mean girls. I figure water seeks its own level and people will figure it out but in the meantime maybe they want to keep it to a dull roar?

They are being a little obvious and I doubt one in particular wants to be outed given the perpetually popular Main Line boutique slightly west of Wayne which employs her? But hey when you use public places like cute boutiques as a place to pour your nasty tea, people are happy to spill the tea on them, right? And all of these babes? Petty.

Petty drives me crazy. It’s so completely unnecessary yet, it’s a popular female tool. had that directed at me today. And it was very disappointing because it’s somebody I’ve known for a very long time. But relationships, evolve and change and I think this one is just evolving out of the season. I hope that I am wrong, but if I am honest it’s been changing for quite a while.

First it’s little things like you always used to drop everything when they needed to talk and then when you need to talk, your call goes to voicemail. Now there’s always a reasonable excuse afterwards and they used to be a half hearted apology, and then the apologies just stopped. And the other person is so wrapped up in whatever that they really didn’t notice that you no longer even call to check in.

This is someone who I could just be outgrowing. It gets to a point where you need to take a hint. Some relationships evolve well as we age, but some just don’t. It’s sad but people change. It doesn’t make them bad people, or you a bad person, it just is.

I think in some cases when you know that you are dealing with someone who has a hard time letting people in in the first place, it’s almost not a complete surprise that you simply may have gotten too far behind the proverbial curtain. It’s easier for them to be superficial versus deep. Deep for a lot of people is uncomfortable and that’s actually okay.

I find that the older I get I don’t actually need to have as large an intimate circle. I like people, I like being around people, but I like my friends circle. We know each other and we trust each other and not all want that. Not all can handle that.

Then there are the women that you genuinely like, but as friends, you sometimes wonder why they want to be friends with you. And then you realize a lot of times for the information you can provide or the introduction you can make or a door you can open. Sometimes as we age it’s harder to recognize the users.

And the thing that sucks when you’ve encountered some who go into the category of users, is then when you meet somebody you genuinely like, but you’re just cautious. This is why. So then you take longer to get to know someone and then you just hope that they understand.

One of the things I have noticed again in 2024 is how you have all these women who belong to female groups, they believe in female empowerment and they’re basically so miserable to one and other. And heaven forbid you not fall exactly ly where they want on their Stepford wife checklist then they’re miserable to you too, and you don’t even want them as a friend.

Then my last category is if you ever encountered the women who are friend blockers? Most simply put you know people in common, but you are not friends. Only maybe they’re not so sure about their particular friendship with the people you share in common so they literally block you from your mutual acquaintances and friends.

I’ve had that happen and I was talking to a friend of mine last week who was telling me about something similar that happened to them with someone and it’s just kind of one of those things that takes your breath away. You’re not trying to compete with them for your mutual people’s attention yet they are competing. As a matter of fact, my friend last week told me about how incredibly mean someone was because she was literally guarding her friendship with a mutual friend of theirs. Life is too damn short for that bullshit.

Life is also too short for the people that you invite to do things who will bail at the last minute. Now life happens sometimes that’s the way it is, but then you meet these people and that is all they do. It’s hurtful and you start to question the relationship. After all, we would all like to be valued as a friend all of the time, not just certain occasions when it’s more convenient than other times. There are some people over the past couple of years that I don’t even think they realize I’ve quietly just faded away because I was tired of being a friend of convenience.

So here I am getting towards the end of 2024. I’m definitely older, and I hope a bit wiser.

But I do have to wonder. I don’t want to become completely jaded.

Thanks for stopping by.

glad you’re busy, just knitting socks all day myself.

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My friend and I were talking about the busy, busy, busy self important beavers in this world. You’ve met them. These are the women you interact with usually as a volunteer who have to tell you why they can’t do their part, want credit… but….WAIT FOR IT…they are “Soooooo busy!”

Sooo busy. They want you to know they are more valued in their role in the workforce than you are. They have VERY.IMPORTANT.JOBS. Their husbands are CAPTAINS.OF.INDUSTRY.

Have you met me? Personally I do not care. I judge people on how I find them not by what they earn and who they may or may not know, and I have discovered in my almost 60 years on this planet, I probably actually may know some of the people they claim to know, but I just keep my own counsel on that one. By all means, please, tell me how well you know someone who is a guest in my home sometimes. Do I sound like I am being snobby? I am not. It is, simply put, a dangerous game when you brag about whom you may or may not know.

Back to volunteering.

So you decide you wish to volunteer wherever because of whatever reason. The non-profit appeals to you, maybe. It’s a church or school you know or had kids at or family worship there. It’s an arts based non-profit that means something for some reason. It’s a little local non-profit that you know does good things. Whatever the case may be, you wish to volunteer. You sign up. You do your part. Then you are asked to take the lead in something. Co-chair or chair of something. Then the fun begins.

There you are eventually chairing something. You allocate time from the rest of your life. A committee forms. Then you ask people to pitch in. “But, I’m sooooo busy!”

Sigh there it is. They want their name on the committee list but work? Oh honey that is for other people.

I will fully admit I have slowed down over the last decade. I work for myself and have since breast cancer. I wasn’t sure all of those years ago I was ready to leave corporate America. But I drove my doctors crazy working through the surgery and treatment because I had no choice, I need to pay for my breast cancer surgery and treatment, right? So after treatment was concluded, one visit my care team sat me down. The cliff notes version was I either had to find another way to earn a living or I was at fairly high risk of recurrence because of stress. So I took like 10 steps back and started working for myself.

That was 12 years ago. It’s been an adjustment. I still do not really know how to relax but I try. I spent my whole life working and working hard. And I never used that as an excuse when volunteering somewhere. I made the time because I made the commitment. So it literally irritates the snot out of me to hear someone say they would but they are ‘Sooooo busy!” Gosh honey, I am knitting socks myself.

I never was the person who made fun of stay at home moms. Most have zero clue what goes into that average day. And then I learned more post breast cancer when I was home. Working from home and keeping house. That is honestly, busy. Not every day all day long but there are a lot of moving parts. I was really glad to say good bye to the car rider line for example. That was hell on earth.

But when you work from home and/or a stay at home mom you would be surprised at the people who do not value your time. The phone calls, text message, messages, emails. Why aren’t you instantly available? And if you try to reach some of these people for something, like a volunteer project, they are “just sooo busy!“

You know what else I have discovered? People make time for what is important to them and if they aren’t pulling their weight, find someone else.

You know what is related to above statement? Don’t let those people make you feel guilty with their “Just sooo busy” of it all. Guilt is wasted. And there will always be people who are “Just sooo busy” until they need something from you.

It’s like when people tell me they are “Just sooo busy” and they don’t have time, yet YOU are supposed to have time to listen to them whenever they deign to grace you with their presence. Real friends know life ebbs and flows, and if you are too busy one time for real, and they are too busy another time for real, we still find the time for the relationship.

I like to try to help people at times when I can. Not for any particular accolades or atta girls, but just because it’s the right thing to do. But there are some people you will pay it forward for who will never reciprocate towards you or anyone else. You still did whatever for them because it was the right thing to do, but then you learn to distance yourself. There are always going to be people with a hand out, you can decide whether or not you give them a hand up.

These people are related to the ones who tell you they are doing good things. That’s great, but they aren’t doing for the greater good necessarily, are they? I am still about the quiet doers, or the people who actually do the heavy lifting.

This goes hand in hand with a conversation I had with another friend who finds it frustrating how some friends always expect her to drop everything for them, yet those people never even ask them how it is going in her world. Or if you tell someone how you are doing, instead of listening and just being a friend there is criticism of what you should be doing and how they would never. Alrighty, maybe take a look at what you have done to your life before you dish THAT out to someone?

Women are and always will be strange creatures, even to the members of their own species. I know I am. I am actually OK with that for the most part. It’s a hard acceptance when you finally realize and accept that not everyone is going to get you and that is quite all right. And I have had my share of feeling dumped on, used, and criticized and put down…sometimes almost simultaneously by those who want something from you. And that is just personally. As a blogger, it’s worse.

As a blogger, some days it feels like everyone wants something. I have written before about the lack of boundaries in contact to me. And it’s never fun when I can’t do whatever mystical thing I should be able to do. Especially when someone writes to me and says “You should cover this!” and I ask “Why?” This of course is especially amusing when you know it is someone who doesn’t care for me, yet I am supposed to drop everything and say “Oh my gosh yes.”

I do say no. I had to learn that as a blogger and a regular person.

Help where you can, walk away without guilt when you cannot. And when someone tells you they are “Just sooooo busy!” might I suggest a reply of “Well I have just been knitting socks all day myself.” It will give you a giggle and that person won’t understand, and that’s fine.

Carry on and thanks for stopping by.

are women really liberated?

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I took this photo of the Woman’s Lib Barn in Malvern about five years ago (I think – it could be longer) from across the road. The colors have been played with courtesy of filters, so pardon the artistic license.

So. Are women really liberated?

Yes, I am serious. I was thinking about it last night and this morning.  And no, I am not and never have been a text-book definition of a “women’s libber”. Unless speaking my mind and being somewhat independent minded make me one?

As history likes to tell it, The Women’s Liberation Movement was a political alignment of women and feminist intellectualism that emerged in the late 1960s. This movement was heavy into consciousness awakening and if you follow the historical timeline, grew out of civil rights.  The predecessor movement was the women’s suffrage movement of the early 20th century which enabled women by their hard work to obtain the right to vote. All of this had roots in a theory that social freedom was necessary for women to no longer be second class citizens.

And we were. But I have to ask if we are to an extent today or is it just a weird feeling because so much seems to be regressing right now?

Yesterday I wrote a post about politics and the mid-term elections which occur next week. The post centered around one writer’s article and another’s editorial. Interestingly enough, a lot of the greatest umbrage taken by my thoughts added to what others had written were from other women.

One woman said I was endorsing specific political platforms and vis-a-vis candidates because I suggested people read these pieces because I found them interesting. She went onto basically describe me as reprehensible for doing so.  I wasn’t telling anyone how to vote, I said it was an interesting read and what I was thinking about. They said specifically ““Well worth taking the time to read” is a political endorsement. Your message is not sharing information but suggesting endorsement of a political view that many in Chester County find reprehensible.”

The second woman came in via a rather strange comment and said : “You most likely have lost me as a follower. You sucked me in with Chester County Ramblings. I have enjoyed your writings over the past few years, until today. I want to hear about the history and happenings in the county that I adore. One thing I sure do not want to read are your political ramblings, pro, con, undecided or what you color you are wearing today. If this is route you plan to continue in your Chester County Ramblings, count me out. Ruined a good thing.” (I am guessing she missed the part where I write for myself and what interests me? Or that no one is compelled to read every little thing they stumble across?)

This is the stuff that blows my mind. The pretzel logic here is women are supposed to be free and liberated now for decades and allowed to express their opinions as long as their thoughts are sanitized with bubble water so everyone can float along on fluffy blue clouds?

So are women really free if other women feel the need to tear us down because we express our opinions and/or have an opinion they don’t care for?

This is some of what I was thinking about when I was in my garden working on my flower beds this morning.  It amazes me how quick women are to tear other women down.  That has always amazed me.  It’s so…well…high school.  If you do not conform to someone else’s comfortable notions you are bad.

Take an article which appeared in The Daily Local this summer about The Women’s Lib Barn:

….The Keegans plan on staying in the home they’ve loved for the past 50 years and have no plans on removing the unique message. They’ve had people ask about the barn, including a woman who recently asked for permission to make a painting of it, though they found it annoying when some bloggers posted stories on the barn without having all the facts.

“People today don’t understand it, they think all of a sudden it appeared. They don’t know it’s from the ‘70s,” Ronnie said.

“It isn’t women, it’s woman,” she stressed. “It’s my statement.”

I am guessing the lady is referring to this blog? What I have posted is what I have found elsewhere about their barn, including old articles but it got all lumped together seemingly at me? That baffles me.  Her barn is literally one of my favorites if not my favorite because it is quirky with its painted statement .

This barn was even part of my photography show at Christopher’s in Malvern a few years back in 2015. She sent me a note because one of my photos hung was of her barn. And to kind of criticize me for changing the meaning (in her mind) by cutting off the question mark at the end of her statement. (Well truthfully it wasn’t cut off, I did canvas prints and it was wrapped around the side.)

She invited me to come sit on her porch and she would tell me the story.  I emailed her back promptly to say I would love to hear about how the barn came to be the woman’s lib barn and that I would also love to give her the photo…and I never heard another thing.   I followed up again, and then just sort of thought “oh well” and went about my life. And then the reference to me (I presume) in the 2018 article someone I know wrote for the Daily Local. And then I again wondered if women were really liberated or just liberated enough to criticize other women?

Now when I ponder things like this, I do not extricate myself from the woman equation.  I can be as guilty as the next woman in the criticism of other women category.  But it does make me think again and again what are we liberated from exactly?

As time goes by and the seasons fold into one and other, I grow more at home here in Chester County and love the feeling of belonging.  I kind of love that I have shed my Main Line skin and enjoy the simplicity and beauty I have found.  I love my garden, my little house, my family.  The thing about Chester County which I have never felt anyplace else in my life is I can just be. Maybe it’s an age thing where I now realize I do not have to live up to everyone’s expectations, nor do I want to.

Yet occasionally I pause and ponder and marvel at the boxes women are still expected to be put into…even by other women. Like is the case with this blog and some of what I write.   If it’s my blog and I am the writer, aren’t I supposed to write about what I think about or enjoy or dislike? I am not a compensated blog, so I am not paid for my writing in this format of this blog.

I also wonder if my younger self was more of less free and liberated? Does this all vary with age and responsibility?

I accept that I am not everyone’s cup of tea. It’s impossible to be that person because we are all different and it should be o.k. to be yourself not a mirror image of every other person around you.

Like many other women I find it irritating when people contact you just so you can tell your husband something for them.  Every time it happens I imagine myself as a 1950s housewife complete with apron and starched hair.

Or then there are the occasions when you are having work done inside our outside of your home. I have had those who preferred to speak only to my husband. Not because I couldn’t grasp the tasks at hand but because they wanted to deal with a man.

This summer I wrote a post “life in the land of women” – it seems this post has been a continuation of that so I will close with what I said then:

We can’t teach tolerance if we can’t be tolerant at least some of the time ourselves.

We can’t teach the value of individuality and independance if we constantly go after those the least bit different from us.

Are we really free if we are confined by the perceptions of others?