Tag Archives: narcissists

the care and feeding of flying monkeys and narcissists on social media.

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Flying Monkeys have been out of fashion since the Wizard of Oz (movie 1939, book 1900.) In both, the monkeys symbolized a dark side of the human ego, or evil that people are capable of.

Interestingly enough, “Flying monkeys” is a common descriptive term used to describe people who carry out the abusive or manipulative wishes of a narcissist.

Yes, for real. After doing a little bit of research, I know I’m not the only one who has looked into this. And those who have looked into it include clinical psychologist, like the one with the YouTube above.

Some view social media as a giant popularity contest. And if they can’t be the top of the pile, they want to basically take out anyone else that’s in their way. Remember however, a good narcissist never wants to get their own hands dirty. They want to provoke people to act. They sit back and watch others do their bidding. They are self-absorbed cowards.

Flying monkeys are another spin on the mean girls middle school lunch table, and generally speaking it’s a narcissistic person. They vibrate when they are afraid their carefully (or not carefully) crafted cover is cracking, or has cracked. It’s a form of an act of desperation cloaked as other things.

Essentially the people sending the flying monkeys are insecure and afraid. They want people to think they are wonderful, they need that. If you threaten that, you are the enemy. Especially if you think they are behaving in a silly or laughable manner.

Don’t laugh, you can’t laugh, you must adore? Yeah mmmkay.

Yes a narcissist can actually be insecure. They are apparently known as “vulnerable narcissists,” and people with narcissistic tendencies can indeed be deeply insecure, often using extreme and grandiose behaviors as a way to compensate for a need for constant validation from others.

There are also “grandiose narcissists.” They can appear to have a genuinely over-inflated sense of self.

Interestingly, narcissists can have a fear of abandonment too. I didn’t know that until I began researching the topic out of curiosity. I learned narcissistic types may try to make others feel insecure to temporarily strengthen their own sense of self-worth. Which makes social media and all the unreality in it their most perfect playground.

A malignant narcissist is defined as someone with an extreme sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, and a disregard for others. They are also manipulative, aggressive, and abusive.

Again, social media is the perfect breeding and grooming ground. The majority of people don’t see these people in real time, only whatever they are posting on social media. It’s all look at them, look at their possessions, every aspect of their lives. It all appears so perfect, but it’s a façade to some extent, isn’t it?

Social media is a giant Petrie dish of pack mentality, so when a narcissistic person feels threatened, they literally call on the flying monkey squad. They don’t want to get their own hands dirty, but to a narcissistic individual your hands are their hands. They will coach people in what to say on their behalf, only they manipulate you into thinking it’s your idea. They are not above complete fibbing about their targets, and there are enough damaged or vulnerable people to believe it hook, line, and sinker especially on social media where few do actual research. Narcissists reel these folks in by appearing to be a little bit of what these people seek consciously and subconsciously.

Truly it’s fascinating, even when it’s directed at you. When flying monkeys are sent after another person it’s deliberately done to hurt a target of a narcissist’s ire or insecurity (or both.)

I have experienced this. Most recently a flying monkey who came in the form of a woman who had to call me out first on social media and what people should think or do about me who has zero to do with their life. This person is a complete stranger, so this behavior? Already quite odd.

Next this person started sending me private messages while trying to join a group they were previously removed from. The messages were obviously coached and rather fantastical given some of the odd word salad language. You could hear more than one voice. Oh and this person included middle school tactical maneuvers like she spoke to people about me, that they all really loved her and I was keeping them from her and how many people hate me.

It was fascinating.

And their beliefs and arguments about me a total stranger? Utterly fabricated and fantastical. Essentially gaslighting and attempted guilt tripping. a diversion from their own messy lives, perhaps?

I would say why can’t we all get along. But then there are these people who are threatened by anyone different from themselves or who recognize them for who they are , and voilà, here we are.

Is this all about me? No, but the impetus has been personal experience. Does that make me a narcissist? No. Sociologically and psychologically it is actually fascinating. I am sure that irritates narcissists and their flying monkey squads, because that is not the desired effect.

So the moral of this story is don’t let people steal your joy. And why do people want to steal the joy of others? Maybe we are not supposed to care about their motivation? Maybe it’s that simplistic and we are merely supposed to recognize this for what it is and go about our lives?

You can’t please everyone all of the time, and you have to ask yourself if we are supposed to? I don’t think so. And with people whom you don’t know and don’t really care to know on social media, you have to laugh. If it seems like fantastical and illogical projection, it probably is. It all goes back to the simple theory of consider the source.

Below are some things to read and enjoy your day.

What are flying monkeys and how to deal with them

The Curious Fact of the Flying Monkey

Flying Monkeys (The Narcissist’s Tool for the Smear Campaign)

https://www.verywellmind.com/narcissists-and-flying-monkeys-7552473

Boundaries: Kryptonite To Narcissists & Tyrants Of All Sizes

https://www.businessinsider.com/what-an-apath-is-and-why-they-are-dangerous-2018-2

https://sherrygaba.com/why-flying-monkeys-make-it-difficult-to-heal-after-narcissistic-abuse/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-autism-spectrum-disorder/202010/are-you-narcissist-s-flying-monkey

influencers or just social media narcissists?

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I will preface this entire flowing stream of perhaps random thoughts and consciousness with yes, more people post on social media than not. This is not about the average everyday folk who post and use social media to stay connected to those perhaps living far away, or locally connected for whatever reason. I am talking about the incessant public look at me and my fabulous self posters….it’s not about doing good or even sharing is caring. I am talking about social media narcissism.

Yes, 2024 means we still have too many “influencers“.

I’m going to be honest maybe it’s me and I’m just getting too damn old but I don’t understand influencers any more than I understand overly trendy, which is something I have never gotten. What do they actually do except post pictures of themselves? Do you buy something because they talk about it on social media? Do you go to a restaurant because they went to it and took a picture and you’re not sure if they actually ate anything?

And we’re talking about random areas, not merely Los Angeles or New York City. So when you see these people sometimes you really want to reach into your phone or computer screen and virtually shake them because they don’t get that fashion is not merely putting on a designer label or something expensive. Part of what makes fashion fashion is style and most of them do not have either that or a good full length mirror. But then you realize narcissists aren’t probably going to listen to anything you say anyway so you have a good giggle and make a mental note for that old Glamour Magazine “don’t” column where they put a black box across faces for the magazine column.

Some of my favorites are the Instagram shots of those “influencers” who have these almost glassy eyed professionally bored shots playing with their food somewhat unnaturally. Do they actually like the food or is it just a shot for followers? Do they also not get that you can’t just squeeze a hat on one’s head like the lid to your Dutch oven?

Or the megawatt bad descriptive adjective laden shots of self proclaimed “public figures.” Everything is amazing and they have goals of removing toxic people from their lives but what will happen if they look in the mirror? Will said mirror crack and does it have a warranty?

And then there are all the lifestyle “influencers.” I’m wondering whose lifestyle they are influencing because I’m thinking their taste is all in their mouth most of the time. Even I know that looks I rocked at 25 don’t belong on my middle-aged self. I also know if I couldn’t wear something in my 20s I definitely couldn’t wear it in my 50s.

I don’t pretend to be an interior designer or an actual lifestyle or fashion expert, but I know gaudy and ostentatious when I see it, or just cheap. I do actually know some of those who are the real deal and I appreciate them. Of course they feel no need to bombard you with anything. They quietly show you what they’re doing and put it out there. And usually it’s a lesson in less is more.

If you are somewhat of a fireplug shape, you also shouldn’t wear what they keep calling ball skirts on Instagram. And for the record they’re not ball skirts. They look like the tulle undergarments that used to go under the skirt of a ballgown to give it extra fluff and body, but what would some of those people know from actual ballgowns? It’s like I thought wearing your underwear on the outside went out with Madonna’s early videos, but what do I know? You can find these skirts on Anthropologie‘s website and really cheaply from places like Amazon and Temu. When I kept seeing them, I actually looked them up because I was tired of seeing social media “influencers” wearing them. I mean, barf, it takes the fun out of how those skirts were intended except to me they still look like slips, etc.

And then there are the socially aspirational, who consider themselves influencers, and I still wouldn’t pay any amount of money to have a meal with them. What makes them an expert? What do they actually know about wine or cooking or entertaining? Again, just because you paid a couple bucks for something doesn’t mean it’s fabulous. It’s like the people who take a gardening course, proclaim themselves “master gardeners” but don’t actually plant anything so why bother?

And these “influencers“ are all over the area. Even if you don’t follow them, they buy ads and they pop up in your feeds. All they do in my humble opinion is contribute to the extraordinary lack of reality on social media in general. And none of these people get that just because they take thousands of selfies and are constantly posting on social media, it doesn’t make them society. More like gauche and obnoxious and obvious.

Among my favorites are the occasional giggles watching a fish lips bunch pose for photos. The Botox collaborative who can’t quite smile naturally because they have frozen face syndrome.

I’ve basically said before that the concept of actual society in Philadelphia is basically dead. It truly is. It kind of is in other areas too. Probably because society wasn’t just posing for photos. Today the concept of it is closer to look at us, and Andy Cohen we are ready for our Bravolebrity Real Housewives close up.

Seriously, these perennial selfie posers just don’t understand is what they are doing is not actually society, it’s merely what they think it should be. These influencer types simply don’t get that was not what society used to be about. Yes, it was about pretty dresses and gracious living but those photos and those events? Good was accomplished and the actual event itself was always centerstage, and the nonprofit having funds raised for it.

And the thing about these old events is the actual media would be invited to events and they would be on a press list just like the guests were on a guest list. But it wasn’t garish and it wasn’t grotesque. And the gowns/dresses were awesome and they fit because after we bought them they were tailored as necessary.

When I started to see the influence of the new people in, shall we say…polite society…. it was at the Academy of Music, and it was Opening Night for The Philadelphia Orchestra, which used to be a big deal. There were young friends parties, (I was actually chair of Young Friends for The Philadelphia Orchestra for a few years) and there were varying levels of adult parties and people got dressed up. Beautiful black tie, and white tie that came out for the now defunct Academy Ball. Guests went to dinner, they came to the concert, and they knew how to behave.

“Back in the day” I was among other things Co-chair of the Young Friends of the Philadelphia Orchestra, Opening Night 1996. This was one of the Philadelphia Orchestra strike years. The concert was canceled, but the party went on. Ours that year was at the Rittenhouse Hotel. That was also the year the more mature ladies on the Opening Night Gala Committee tried to make us fold our party into the other two parties. We declined. Ours was the better party that night as was evidenced by the crashers from the other parties 🤣 including then Inquirer music critic Daniel Webster and then Society Editor David Iams. It was a fun night and I loved that dress. Of course it was when black tie was still truly elegant.

How I knew it was changing was when it started to get more corporate for a lack of a better description. People started bring alcohol in plastic cups into the interior of the Academy of Music, which is one of the oldest theaters in constant use in the country (doubled as a NYC theatre the series The Gilded Age in the recent season) and you’re not supposed to do that. These people were also talking during the performance and didn’t even turn off their phones.

That’s when I stopped going to a lot of those events. There were smaller events I would still go to after that, but today? I don’t find any joy in them so much anymore. I used to love them. It was so much fun getting dressed up, putting on a beautiful black tie dress or gown. It was kind of like living Cinderella moments . It was so much fun. Great people to talk to. But when it stopped being fun and people stopped volunteering for the right reasons, I decided I would find other things to do. You see, it got to the point where people wanted to have their name on an invitation, but not actually put in the volunteer hours.

And it’s gotten worse because last year I went to an event at the Kimmel Center, where someone took off their shoes and put their bare feet up on the backs of the seats in front of them. That was enough to make you vomit for sure.

The other thing is people stopped being able to have conversations at these events. It’s like with the onset of social media. People are no longer able to have actual conversations. It’s becoming a lost art form.

A friend of mine, who is a writer, said to me recently that she doesn’t go to a lot of these events that they are also inviting all the “influencers” to for just that reason. Basically, she said, you go to those events, and these people are only interested in two things: photos for their socials and talking about themselves. Other than that, for the most part, they’re kind of rude and dismissive. And manners are one of those things that transcend social classes and groups, you either have them or you don’t and today it’s more don’t than have. It’s kind of sad.

I could go on but I won’t. I realize life doesn’t exist in a bubble and things change and evolve, but sometimes things don’t change for the better. And for all the good that social media can accomplish, it seems to be that that the can do good aspect of it is more and more forgotten and I think it’s sad.

Enjoy the snow.