Tag Archives: manners

life and death.

Posted on by

There are things that we experience in our lives that we don’t wish on other people because it’s just hard. And it’s sad and it’s a lot of emotions. One of those things I am talking about is hospice.

We lost a family member this week after a very fast dance with terminal cancer. My father in law. The diagnosis took everyone by surprise. And the thing about hospice is you don’t know is if it is going to be fast or is it going to be slow and you have to prepare for both.

The hospice was done in our home. And to be honest, I am still processing how it felt. It’s hard. Your house takes on an unnatural stillness you’re trying to keep everything calm and peaceful for the person on hospice.

People have said to me things like I’m so brave for doing this and what was the other thing? Oh, that I was doing God’s work for having someone here on hospice. I don’t think I deserve those accolades. Hospice was really emotionally difficult for me, right or wrong. Also right or wrong I was terrified through most of it. It’s super stressful.

You are faced with a person who was once completely full of life, fading away, inch by inch hour by hour minute by minute. Watching it is almost indescribable at times. It’s part of the natural cycle of life, but death doesn’t actually come softly. Death let’s itself be known and steals someone from you even if they have lived a long and good life and you are going to miss them.

I am really not trying to be a Debbie Downer, but hospice is complicated, especially emotionally. And you hate seeing anyone in pain. And that’s the hospice patient and the other family members around you. This is why before I go any further in this post, I want to thank the hospice people we had. They were nothing short of amazing. And that’s every nurse, the social worker, and the people delivering and picking up the hospice equipment. The nurses were Amy and Christie and Ashley. The triage nurses on the phone included. Brandy, Kathy, Charlene, and Christa. Betsy was the social worker. And Beth who set it all up.

Who did we use? AseraCare in Eagleview in Exton. We ended up choosing them just by chance. We had called a couple of different people, including Penn Hospice. Everyone we spoke with was lovely, but it was just the timing which had us land with AseraCare in the end.

Hospice workers and hospice nurses I really believe do God’s work on earth. I am in awe of what they do, and have nothing but mad respect and admiration. These women who helped us, helped make it make sense. This was really hard, and I had so many doubts that I could even do this in my own house, because I was just scared. At first, it’s just like having a long-term houseguest, but then the hospital bed gets delivered and it gets very real, very fast.

And then it’s over. It’s a whirlwind, and when it ends the world gets very still, and then peaceful again. And you start to sleep again. Because having someone on hospice in your house is like almost having a new baby, you don’t really sleep because your ears are always open for sounds. It gives a whole new meaning to sleeping with one eye open. Now we also deal with loss. Loss and the complexity of emotions when you lose someone.

In the middle of all this all going on, you still have regular life all around you. For me as a blogger, people continued to message me all hours and leave comments, continued to ask if I could help on things and I accommodated people as best I could. But when you are trying to do regular every day life combined with something somewhat extraordinary and unusual, like hospice, you sit back and you take stock. Among other things , you are just tired.

I find I am increasingly intolerant with the way people act on social media. Everything is an argument, everything is a challenge, and it flows over into the real world. No one can have a conversation anymore. I realize I’ve talked about this before but it really hit home during this time.

After pondering during this time in my family’s life , I have decided I’m doing a little simplifying. Instead of being worried about the feelings of others, even though I know quite realistically I am not responsible for the feelings of others, I’ve decided it’s time to put myself first. I am just not going to be the whipping girl for those who don’t like my opinion any longer. Whether it’s overt or passive aggressive, I just am done. It’s human nature that you don’t want to disappoint people, but I’ve decided I can’t take that on as a mantle. It’s not my responsibility.

People can either be polite, even if they don’t agree with me, or they can simply not be in my space. This is why there are a few of you this week have found yourself on the outside. I have just decided life is simply too short. No one is ever forcing anyone to read Chester County Ramblings or be in a Facebook group I run. I have never expected everyone to agree with everything I write because that’s not humanly possible we’re all individuals. But I’m done with the behavior which I don’t feel is acceptable. You might think it’s fine. It might be fine someplace else, but perhaps not so fine with me. And how I feel actually matters.

So that’s it for me. Our world is a study in life and death. As humans, we don’t have time for BS.

Peace.

manners (or lack thereof.)

Posted on by

People seem to be lacking in basic manners online. Especially on social media platforms. As a blogger, I seem to get a lot of the various forms of lack of manners directed at me. People are no longer able to agree to disagree, or even have what resembles a sane conversation about opposing views.

In this me, me, me world that exists on social media platforms, that whole phrase of “worthy opposition” no longer exists. As a matter of fact if you try to mention that to most people you get the social media equivalent of blank stares because people just do not understand much of anything these days, and have little intellectual curiosity to seek things out.

We are going deaf. We worry about political polarization, the rise of the radical right and so on, but there’s a deafness afoot that is pre-political and dangerous not only to democracy but to living with the other seven billion people on the planet.

We are losing sight of the “worthy opponent,” the person or party you disagree with but whom you see as a legitimate member of the body politic. We are forgetting how to learn how “the other side” sees things, and hammer out workable compromise—keeping in mind that a good compromise is where no one gets everything they want.

~The “Worthy Opposition”: Learning to Learn
By Marcia Pally

Yes that pretty much is the perfect quote for what I am attempting to discuss.

I am growing increasingly intolerant of those who cannot disagree and have a reasonable conversation. And I am saying so, which in the limited world of some on the Internet and social media whose comfort levels never rise much above whatever they are saying or pink fuzzy bunnies, it’s tragically akin to heresy.

The come backs on their part usually start with I can’t take criticism. Well, umm have you met humans? I have never met a single person who likes criticism, but that’s not why I am sick of what some think are acceptable comments. I am sick of the way people think it is ok to treat others on social media. There is no online conversation, it’s be like they want you to be samey same like them or you are bad. You can’t disagree, because if you do, you’re bad.

It’s not about agreeing or disagreeing with me, it’s about being respectful. If you can’t state another perspective as part of a conversation then I can and will remove comments and people. I’m not your punching bags, and yes it is up to me because it is my page and blog. If people don’t like it when I say “my page” or “my blog”, so sorry did you think it was yours?

I have started to remove comments and people. From my blog, from my bog’s social media outlets. If people don’t like it, too bad. If you can’t be civil, have a conversation, I am over it. People can think what they want, but I find today there is a particular lack of decorum in discourse. Even on pages where you think this wouldn’t happen. There is a great deal of misplaced sense of entitlement going around these days.

Yesterday I was musing about the cyclist who was struck and killed by a police officer. All I said was it would essentially be helpful to know all of the facts before rushing to judgement. I said this after speaking to avid cyclists I know who said flat out that was a damn odd place to be on a bicycle. I wondered why the guy was there and I still wonder if his judgement was impaired in any way?

When it comes to cyclists, there are good cyclists and not so good cyclists who do not pay attention to the rules of the road and make up their own. I don’t know any motorist who gets up one day and says “today I will hit someone on a bicycle with my car.”

I remember years ago when I used to take windy and hilly Conshohocken State Road back and forth to work every day, there were several days a week when I would hold my breath because of cyclists. There used to be these groups of cyclists who would weave and bob in and out of traffic, sometimes nearly taking over both sides of the road during the morning rush hours…oh and not keeping up with the flow of traffic, instead creating their own rules. As a driver of a car, it was terrifying some mornings. You know that you have share the road and cyclists like motorists have rights, but no one has ever adequately explained to me did their rights include putting everyone else at risk? On that road, I also saw a cyclist hit once through no fault of their own and we found out later they were a hit and run victim.

My thoughts about this fatality a few days ago weren’t crazy, there are lots of questions about this. From the angle of the victim, and the person who hit the man who is also in law enforcement. But people hopped all over me that I was a horrible person and when I responded to them, I couldn’t take criticism and I was verbally barraged again. And one woman was particularly amusing because she took umbrage to my response as I found her particularly rude and made some comment about having agreed with me on something in the past. Umm, so that means you can just be terrible to me when you disagree and I am supposed to say “thank you, may I have some more, please”? In this same vein was the guy who is a firefighter in Chester County who was also upset that I reminded people it was my page. Well it is, and distilled down most simply is when you are on someone’s page, you are their guest. They create the rules and like it or not, if we don’t like their rules, we don’t have to be there.

Have I been removed from Facebook pages and/or groups? Sure (and there are so many I just wouldn’t bother with period.) And I haven’t lost sleep over it. What amused me in those instances is I wasn’t actually rude to anyone. But hey, it’s their party, not mine. Sorry not sorry that I didn’t agree with a mother in a parenting group who thought it was ok to put household bleach in a bath for a child with allergies. Yes, really. Objecting to what actually could be considered child abuse had me removed once from a parenting social media group. But usually I am simply barred from a Facebook page because I am a blogger, kind of like what the Chester County Republican Page did. And I have yet to actually comment on THEIR page. I comment elsewhere about what they have on their page. Or the Fauxblicist who runs around in the terrifying bunny suit on occasion. I never commented on her page either, just laughed hilariously at the idiocy others shared from it. She bans me from commenting, but why would I comment on her page? I wouldn’t.

And then there was the Facebook group I was removed from because I blocked NOT an admin/moderator/page owner, but instead just some random women in said group who I did not care for. They complained to the woman who runs the group and she said back then I could not be in the group if I blocked others in the group, and did not grasp the concept that I was managing my personal privacy settings and it had nothing to to with her or the people who ran the group. It was merely done to avoid online flame wars with people I will never agree with who are in fact, mean. I am still endlessly amused that she would tell someone to change their privacy setting to accommodate bullies. It was also ironically a group where I rarely commented. Did I care about not being in that group? Nope. Haven’t missed in in a decade.

And then there is Twitter. Yesterday on Twitter a person decided he didn’t agree with me. That would have been fine if he hadn’t called me a bitch and not in an amusing “oh bitch please” satirical way. It was as in it had absolutely no place in the conversation, zero decorum kind of way. His excuse for said behavior was he wasn’t a very kind person on social media and he wasn’t going to go away unless I muted or blocked him. Very mature. He didn’t get that we could have had the entire conversation if he hadn’t decided to be offensive. So I chose mute.

Decorum is not something that exists on social media. Maybe it should? All I know is just because I am a blogger or have a different opinion it doesn’t mean I am going to sit and be their punching bag. After all if I am so terrible why are they reading my blog and why are they on my blog’s Facebook page?

Of course the ultimate irony regarding these keyboard tigers is how they are in real time if you see them off of the Internet, not hiding behind screens, keyboards, and false bravado.

Manners should be a thing online and in real life. We don’t have to all agree, and we shouldn’t all agree, but the first response of people to attack I think is wrong. And yes that means I will mute or remove someone and delete their comments. Life is too short.

If you don’t like my blog, my blog’s Facebook page or my comments or thoughts, it’s a great big Internet out there. Feel free to discover it. Life is not a cheerocracy. And you all seem to think it’s just me who feels this way. It’s not. People are just miserable to the non-controversial as well.

Oh and one last point. Everything is not about a skewed perception of class warfare.

#byebyebye

Rant over.

life and the nature of relationships. do we know what really matters any longer?

Posted on by

I will preface this post with this isn’t about anyone or any one thing in particular. This is something I have been thinking about. A meandering mash up of things.

In part this is about the nature of friendships and relationships, a lot of what I have been thinking about in part are relationships between women. Now these can be family members who are female or they can just be female friends. But I look at my male friends and they’re pretty consistent throughout our aging process. But the women? Not so much a lot of the time. Women can be hurtful friends. Even when that is not the intent. I am sure I have been guilty of this behavior myself.

Men in my opinion as friends will take you for who you are male or female, be less judgemental, and are upfront if something is bothering them. I will include a caveat and say sometimes men you are in intimate relationships or marriages with may be less open, but I think that’s because of a difference in those relationships to begin with. I actually will leave my own husband out of that category because he is who he is, and is very consistent and upfront with how he is feeling. But then again, sometimes I wonder if part of the way my husband is, has to do with the fact that we’ve known each other for so long and were friends first, or just because that is the way he is? I don’t know but I am grateful he is by my side.

I will admit that I am tough as a person at times. As in I can be tough on people. But I am very devoted to my friends, family, and others that I care about, so when I can’t understand certain behavior, and I seek clarity, but feel like a proverbial door gets shut in my face, I find it hard. I am not saying life is always about me, but what I am saying is sometimes the delivery or expression of what someone is trying to say, sucks. And again, not saying that I am not also capable of this or excusing my personal behavior. These are observations.

I have discovered over the past few years that a lot of the way my relationships have evolved, is I am the person people come to when they need someone to talk to. I keep my own counsel and if I give my word I keep my word. It is an honor to be a trustworthy friend/human being, but I have found sadly as I’ve aged that not everyone reciprocates similarly. Not everyone keeps conversations that are supposed to be private to themselves, and there are some people where conversations are sort of a one-way street, as in when they want to have one it’s cool, not when you might need to have one.

On occasion, I am the one who just needs to talk; needs someone else to listen. Reaching out when that occurs, is not something I just randomly do, so when I do and I feel shall we say, unheard by those who should know me pretty well, it’s not fun.

Sometimes I also find myself having basic trust issues with people, who I feel very guilty about having trust issues with. But I don’t know how to articulate it any better. Especially since COVID, a lot of people are just going through stuff. So I have discovered people don’t necessarily think the same way as they once did. The communication changed and we were all by ourselves for so long that sometimes I think people will just say whatever and have lost the ability to filter.

And the reason I’m writing about this now is I’m finding myself in situations where I’m a little unsure. Sometimes you just feel like you’re doing all of the emotional giving, with little receiving when you need it. It’s hard when you put your proverbial toe out to try to test the water to talk, and it’s like others are not available. Or don’t want to be available. And sometimes it feels hurtful, even if that is not the person’s intent. And well I think no one intentionally wants to be overly sensitive, I think this is a byproduct of all the alone time during COVID.

Now part of the problem with me personally I’m sure is I’ll open my mouth about politics and social issues and I’m not shy or reticent in my opinions in general. But if you’ve known me even briefly, you know that about me. Also as a blogger, I have had people say to me that they couldn’t possibly be friends with me because I am a blogger. Seriously.

There are people who no longer think I am worthy to be friends with since they realized my politics aren’t precisely theirs. They went from people I used to do things with and swap Christmas cards with to complete crickets. I don’t wish them ill, but they know where I live if they ever decide I am worthy again. But sadly, I feel they were but a season in life. You know that old phrase about people being in the categories of reason, season, and lifetime? Sometimes we just have to move on, even if we really don’t want to.

But also since COVID a lot of people have pulled in on themselves and aren’t as communicative. I can also say that about myself honestly, as well. I find that I’ve pulled in a bit. Maybe that’s because we all had to spend so much more time on our own, and perhaps it’s all about getting used to being around people again? Or has COVID made us all a little bit more selfish? Or has COVID just reset the clock a bit to perhaps more the way we were before social media?

In that vein, I can’t control how other people feel or their actions. And I know that I can only control my own actions and reactions. But still I have questions, I have doubts, and I have human frailties. Sometimes, right or wrong, I feel like I’m not supposed to have any of those in the eyes of others.

And then there are the perfect strangers who contact me every day, often all times of the day and night about things going on. I’m not just a blogger, I’m a human being. I have my own life. Sometimes it would be nice for people in general just to say “Hey how are you doing?” I can’t tell you how long it’s been since somebody has asked me something as simple as that.

If we are talking about me simply as a blogger, I like being able to help people when I can. I like being able to help people promote their events. But when I promote an event, generally speaking I have a connection. Either I know people involved with the event, or perhaps it’s just something I support and attend. I am not compensate it in any way when I do something like this I am just paying it forward.

Similarly when I write about an issue, it’s because it’s something I have discovered and I have an interest in. I am not compensated when I decide to do something with an issue. And again, it’s the whole paying it forward because there are so many things in our communities that don’t get any airtime they don’t see the light of day. When it comes to the issues then sometimes people like it, sometimes they don’t.

Recently I had somebody who was a perfect stranger contact me via another person whom I really don’t know to ask me to promote an event. An event was basically happening the next day. I did not reply. And I just didn’t do anything about it. I didn’t write about it, I didn’t share any links on social media about it, I just let it go. One reason was I wasn’t invited to the event in the first place. And I’m not paid to do these things again nor do I expect payment, but it’s also at times a simple question of feeling respected. And if you couldn’t invite me in the first place, yet you contact me in the 11th hour as an total stranger to promote it to save your bacon, how do you think that makes a person feel?

And then after the fact, you discover you did know someone involved with the event, who should have been the one reaching out to ask if I would do something, but then they would have had to have apologized for behavior less than friend worthy a few years ago when who you quietly just let go of that relationship. But this is a person who has left many bodies in their wake in their personal quest for social acceptance and basic climbing, and it will be a while yet before they realize that all of it came at a cost, and eventually they will be alone at the top of their solitary hill, wondering where their actual friends who didn’t care about their somewhat more humble past went? Honey, we’re all still here living our lives without you. We enjoyed your company, would have kept you as a lifetime, but you made yourself a season.

To promote an event or a local issue is not my actual job. As in I’m not paid to do any of this . I do things as the spirit moves me. And most of the people know who know me well know that it’s not a big thing if I decide not to cover something, it’s just not my jam. Yet some people if I don’t cover something, take it very personally. And they often forget the basic premise of I just write because that is my jam. I am not a compensated blogger, and I actually pay to have an ad-free site here.

Maybe sometimes what I’m finding confusing or what I’m actually lamenting are what we were raised with as far as social norms and niceties. You know, manners. A sense of right and wrong.

Also having style is not merely an outfit you wear, it goes a little deeper. Or it should.

One of the other things I’ve noticed since COVID are shall we say boundary issues. People will contact you at really odd times of the day and night. It could be people you know, people you work with, people who are strangers. It’s like all the stuff you learned as a kid growing up regarding when it was polite to contact someone and when you should wait for the following day and so on and so forth is simply gone.

Other seemingly simple things like saying thank you for something. Or sending an actual thank you note. How many of you out there feel like older than dirt because you still send thank you notes I know that you should send them? and that is something I get mad at myself when I don’t take the time for a proper note I just call or text. I know I wasn’t raised to do that. I know I was raised to sit down and take the time and write a note. And I have the note cards and stationary. (Note to self: use your stationary more, it’s a dying art form.)

And then you think about work relationships. How many people now have noticed how work relationships have changed since COVID ? Is it just me or does it seem like work from home also translates to a lot of people that you should be available 24/7/ 365? Is it work to live or live to work? And what about the people who either don’t understand what work from home means, or only want what they want on their schedule, forgetabout yours? I mean sometimes it’s easy to make a mistake because you don’t know what someone else’s schedule necessarily is, but other times is it a mistake?

As our world changes are we supposed to change with it or try to keep some of the niceties we were raised with in today’s world? I don’t know the answer. And it’s something I wish I knew the answers to. It would sometimes make the playing field a little more level or understandable.

Or at the end of the day there could be some things I just quite simply take too personally. And that’s a flaw. But I don’t think so. But I do think about it. Anyway as always, I like to write it out to try to figure things out.

And then there are the sobering realities of life that just make you think and pause.

Two of my friends became widows this year. Neither is old enough to be a widow.

Someone else I know has been diagnosed with chronic kidney disease and needs a transplant to live. And he’s got so much life left to live I am so upset. (Read about this here and share.)

Finally, another friend is rushing to their brother’s bedside, whom I also know. The family is about to say good-bye to a tremendous human being.

Sometimes I wonder what God is trying to teach us while I marvel at the pond scum who blithely inhabit this earth while good people suffer and even lose loved ones. Sometimes if I am honest, I struggle to see the beauty in this world, and remember life’s blessings, I actually really DO try to remember why we are here on earth. But as human beings is it just too much work to be the best we can be all of the time? If so, what is the solution?

I am open to conversation here, because I really would like to know how people feel about some of these topics I’ve raised today in this post.

Stay dry and have a cup of tea. It is the perfect weather for that!

Thanks for stopping by.

yard sale etiquette

Posted on by

It’s summertime and who doesn’t like a really fun yard sale, right? Well there are rules. You are basically a guest on someone else’s property, so try to remember that. 

Are there rules? Maybe they aren’t written down or codified in our unspoken but yes, there are rules.

When you go to yard sale, you are in essence a guest at someone else’s house/property. So try to behave – just the way you would expect your children to (or one would hope.)

Respect the property you are visiting. 

Don’t let your kids just run all over if you bring them with you and please don’t let them just manhandle the goods. 

Leave your dogs at home. Even if the garage sale or yard sale you are going to has animals, it doesn’t mean they want yours there. 

Do not go trampling through their gardens and flowerbeds. 

Do not take yourself on an uninvited tour of the property or specific areas that they have said are off-limits. If the sale is at the head of the driveway, that’s where you stay – you don’t wander onto the porch or into the garage or God forbid into the basement or house.

Do not block their driveway or the neighbors’ driveways. If you are so unwell that you can’t walk a couple extra feet parking on the street, stay home. Also don’t speed on the street you are visiting for a yard or garage sale, their stuff will be there if you do the speed limit.

Don’t be an early bird. If the sign or ad says it starts at 9 AM or whatever the time is, respect that. Give people the time to set up without hawking over them. And those people who do the night before drive-bys and then stop with a flashlight to see if they can see things? Come on now, would you want that if it was YOUR home?

Haggling. If you are given a price on something and you want to counter politely, that’s fine. But aggressive haggling or lowballing to the point of being insulting? That’s just not nice, and it makes people not want to have garage and yard sales.

 People throwing garage and yard sales also don’t want those who believe in the power of the five finger discount. Stealing is morally reprehensible…and it’s also against the law.

Try not to get loud. Being loud and obnoxious at a garage or yard sale in order to get what you want makes it uncomfortable for everyone. Also try to go to the bathroom before you come to a garage or yard sale, because I’m sorry people do not want strangers in their homes or relieving themselves in  flowerbeds.

After the transaction is completed and the price is agreed-upon on larger items if you have to come and pick something up later, pay for it first. These people are not running a store. There is no staff to put something back into inventory and there is no inventory or warehouse. And when it comes to transactions, come to the sale with change and small bills like you would if you were going to a fleamarket for example.

Again, you are a guest at someone else’s home. Maybe they don’t have their yard or garage sale set up the way you would want it, but it’s their sale and you are a guest. So you either play by the house rules or you pick up your toys and go home.

And today we don’t just have real live garage and yard sales, we have the virtual kind that live the social media platforms Facebook. There are yard sale groups for all sorts of things. 

All yard sale groups have rules of some kind or another so try to follow them.  Not all yard sale groups sell or allow the same things, so read the rules or ask a yard sale group admin if something is OK or not if you are unsure even after reading the group rules.

Virtual yard sale groups have lingo. Common terminology includes but is not limited to the following:

Bump – Posted in the comments section of a sale listing BY the seller so that the item is placed back at the top of the feed. Most limit the amount of times you can bump an item.

PPU – pending pick up – that means seller and the buyer have come to terms and the seller is waiting for the buyer to come pick up the item and is not entertaining any other current offers at present.

Porch pickup –  porch pick up is fairly self-explanatory. It means you are picking up the item from the sellers home and a lot of times they will meet you on their front porch, or they will leave the item on the front porch and tell you where to leave the money. If somebody says porch pick up only you don’t ask them to meet in a supermarket parking lot. If you’re doing a porch pick up do it during daylight hours, if you’re doing a meet which is a mutually agreed-upon spot out in the public view, I also suggest doing that during daylight hours.

Meet up– A meet up is when you are meeting someone at a mutually agreed place to complete a transaction – if a person doesn’t have the comfort level of anyone coming to their home they might say I will meet you in the XYZ supermarket parking lot. If you do a public meet, use common sense. Meet in a visible location during daylight hours. Tell the other party what your car looks like and what time you will be there and stick to it. Exchange cell phone numbers in case someone runs into traffic.

Cross-posted or xp or OOS – cross posted (also known as XP) or OOS literally means an item is cross posted on other sites. That means the seller has the same item on multiple sites to maximize their exposure and chance of a sale.

ISO –  This means ‘in search of.’ People post these things when they are hunting an item they don’t see listed on a particular yard sale group at the time. These posts are not for sale posts however, they are just regular posts.  So don’t create such a post in the sale post form and put some made up number in the price line –  you aren’t selling something you are looking for something. It is also super annoying when you see people post in search of posts and the yard sale group has 10 of that item. So do a quick search of your group for what you are looking for before you post in search of.

PM – Private Message – this is what buyers and sellers should do to work out the kinks and details of the pick up and to answer questions. However if you are a buyer try not to message incessantly. If you are a seller try to answer your messages as promptly as possible. And remember if buyers and  sellers are not connected in anyway on Facebook you will have to look in Facebook’s dreaded “other” folder or in “message requests” if you use messenger,

Next – Next is what you say when you are literally the next person in line and you have interest in the item. Person A says “I’m interested I will private message you for pick up”. Person B says if they are interested “next”. And if the seller says sold pending pick up, people really should stop saying “next”.

NWT – This was something I didn’t know what it meant for the longest time. It means new with tags. If you then see NWOT that means new without tags.

Do virtual yard sale groups have etiquette in addition to the rules that are posted? Generally speaking yes but it all usually comes in the form of posted rules. Because the groups are virtual most will have codified rules that people should follow. It just makes it easier. If you don’t like the rules find a yard sale group you’re more comfortable with.

But as far as actual etiquette, it’s following the golden rule: do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

Be polite. Respond as promptly as possible. When you are arranging a pick up on either side of the deal, choose a time and stick to it. Everyone’s time is valuable. Delays like traffic jams happen. So do unforeseen circumstances like not having childcare suddenly, or getting stuck at work. Just communicate with each other as the buyer and seller. But if on either side of the transaction you have more than one instance where pick up or meet is canceled or you inexplicably get blown off, go to your group admin and see if it’s OK with them for you to move on to the next interested person because of that or if you are the buyer to just walk away altogether.

When you are a seller you should make your for sale post as clear as possible. A full description , your terms , your availability, price and PHOTOS . Put your photos in the body of your post. No one wants to chase photos in the comment section, and in most groups if you post something for sale and say there is no photo to post you will get deleted. After all you are on a social media site called Facebook which is driven by photos and it is not rocket science to add them.

When you are a seller don’t accept strange terms. Don’t let someone mail you a check , for example. I had that happened to a friend and it ended up the check was counterfeit. If you tell someone cash only and they show up with a check, you don’t have to accept that check.

Buyers when you were going to pick something up try to bring exact change. You are NOT going to a store you’re going to an individual. And buyers  when you say you are interested in something and you want to buy it don’t leave the seller hanging. 

What prompted this post on this blog? Observations at  a couple of yard sales this summer and a recent experience that is nothing short of frustrating as hell when trying to sell something on a local yard sale group.

We will start with a local and real yard sale/garage sale I went to recently. I went at the start time of the signs I saw. When I got there there were people who had shown up almost an hour early. That is so impolite. This homeowner is nicer than I would’ve been, because I actually have no problem telling people to leave and come back when we’re open for business.

At this real yard sale I also saw people going into places the homeowner specifically asked people not to be. This is something that truly bothers me because years ago I had a couple of neighbors who wanted to have a yard sale. They had people show up working as a team where one person distracted the yard sale throwers and the other person slipped inside their home and robbed them.  

At other  yard sales in the past, I have also seen people take things that weren’t  for sale and walk up to the homeowners and asked to buy them. In other words, they went where they weren’t supposed to be took items from wherever and walked up to the homeowners and said “I’d like to buy this.” The homeowners naturally responded “oh we’re sorry, that wasn’t in a public area and isn’t for sale.” And I watched one time where this person at a sale pitched a fit, end it was like watching a train wreck – you couldn’t look away. There was this person making a scene and it wasn’t something that was for sale. They basically trust past where they were NOT supposed to be and expected the homeowner to just say  “OK fine it’s five dollars.”

At a recent yard sale I watched in amazement as the homeowner try to work with someone wishing to purchase multiple items. That is what you call a bundle and a lot of times people will work with you and give you a slight discount if you’re buying a bunch of things together versus just one. I watched this man haggle over a very fair bundle price and basically lowballed to the point where the homeowner smiled graciously and said “no I am sorry I just can’t do that.”  The homeowner was so incredibly gracious. What a nice person.

At a recent real yard sale I also was somewhat amazed by the people that just showed up with dogs at someone else’s property without so much as even asking if it’s OK. Generally speaking, people don’t want to be rude about it, but you are indeed being rude by taking your animals onto someone else’s property that you do not know. Even if you know the person, they’re having a yard sale and they don’t want to have to keep an eye on someone else’s pets, nor do they want to deal with the inevitable which is someone else will be at the sale who is allergic or scared of dogs. Or the dog or dogs of the folks visiting the sale will want to get in a fight with the homeowners dogs if they are out.  Maybe nothing will happen, but that’s not the point.  It’s not a love me love my dogs situations. You bring your pets places where you have asked in advance if it’s OK or not.

Now most people expect people to show up to yard sales in the summertime with kids in tow. However the kids need to know the ground rules when they get out of the car from the parents. It’s not the job of the people throwing the garage or yard sale to babysit your children. And it is your responsibility as a parent, especially if your children are small to keep an eye on them and to not let them handle everything, especially breakables. Which brings me to another topic.

Why is it yard sales always seem to end up with the proverbial bull in the china shop? Accidents happen and it’s easy to knock over a glass for example and not do it intentionally. But what I’m talking about are the people that push everyone out of the way to get that item on the table and they don’t care if they knock stuff over and break other things to get to it. And these are the people that don’t say “oh I’m sorry let me pay for that”, they look at the people hosting the garage and yard sale like it’s their fault.

And let’s go to the inspiration or impetus of why I also wrote about virtual yard sale groups in this post. It’s a two-pronged approach: it’s my experience as a buyer and a seller, and as an admin.

I am an admin of one of the millions of yard sale group pages on Facebook. I share the duty with several other people. There are days when we just have a gabfest in messenger because we can’t believe the items we are having to delete, and the way some people behave.

This of course means when I am a buyer or a seller on a virtual yard sale group page I try harder then probably a lot of people to make my transactions go smoothly. Because I sit in the catbird seat of observing as an admin of one page, I really try to follow the rules of whichever group I am in, and  try extra hard to be nice and accommodating. 

Well right now, I am in a transaction that has been going on for a week. I picked the brain of one of the group admins yesterday, and this morning I wrote to them that  want to message the buyer politely  to let the buyer  out of the transaction if need be. Now I’m going to tell all of you why.

I have this nice area rug. I decided it didn’t go with the decor in a room any longer. So I decided to pull it off the floor. When I did that, I didn’t just toss it in the attic, I sent it out to be professionally cleaned and mothproofed.

When the rug came back I lived with it for a few weeks all rolled up in the attic until I decided it was taking up too much space and I wanted to sell it. All I want out of it is close to what I paid to have it cleaned and mothproofed.

Now this rug is not some antique prized Persian carpet, but it is nice. So it’s not going to be $10 on a yard sale group. I dragged it out of the attic, unwrapped it and inspected it to make sure the people I had paid to clean it did their job. 

After I ascertained  that they had done what I paid them to do, I measured the rug and I took lots of photos and I posted it with a complete description on a couple of yard sale group pages. I had varying indications of interest, and a couple of people who measured or asked their spouses and came back and said no I’m sorry I have to pass. I have no problems with that. 

Shortly before the Fourth of July weekend was about to begin – as in last Thursday someone came along who wanted to buy my rug. They asked for my indulgence when I got back to them because they were out of town. I agreed although I didn’t have to because the general rule of thumb is if you agree to purchase something, you pick it up within a couple of days. If you aren’t going to be home or are out of town, you arrange for someone to pick it up and pay for it on your behalf and you clear that with the seller first. But I thought I don’t want to be a hard ass about it, I will give this person the benefit of the doubt. My prospective  buyer said they would connect at the end of fourth of July weekend.

So Tuesday rolls around and I still haven’t heard from my prospective buyer. So I do what you’re supposed to do which is to tag them on the sale post and say that you’re trying to connect and send them a private message. My prospective buyer leaves a comment back on the sale post that she is private messaging me. Actually she was at that point responding to my private message but I’m not going to split hairs.

This person then proceeds to ask me a bunch of questions about the item that were somewhat redundant, but in an effort to keep the sale moving forward I answered them to the best of my of my ability. I will admit I was at somewhat of a loss how to answer question would her employee have an allergic reaction to the rug because I have pets.

Huh? 

So basically I say once again that I had paid to have rug  professionally and mothproofed. I explained again that I had to unroll the rug in my clean house to photograph it for the yard sale sites, and then I rolled it back up again with dryer sheets in it to make sure it stayed as fresh smelling as it was when I unrolled it back from the rug cleaners. I pushed away any feelings that I was insulted because I have a clean home. I told them if they were worried about their employee then they should have it cleaned again. (I mean, what else could I say?)

My buyer said that  it was OK and could I do a pick up with her sometime later this week because they were trying to give their employees a break before they got busy again.  I wasn’t sure what that has to do with me exactly but what I said was that was fine. But then I also said I would like her to give me the day that she would like to pick up. I also gave her some hours where it wouldn’t work for me as the seller.

 OK now it is later in the week.  And she has not told me when she is picking it up. I have now held onto this item for this prospective buyer for a week. Normally people don’t do that because people take advantage.  I think I’ve been accommodating enough. 

Yes, it’s a bigger item so it won’t necessarily sell as quickly as something smaller. I don’t have to sell this item, I am choosing to sell this item. I have worked with this prospective buyer for a week now. Just to make sure I am following all the rules correctly, I am running it up the flagpole with the admins of this group to make sure they are OK with it. Maybe, this will all work out because the buyer is just having tough week. I hope so. But if not, what time is valuable to and if I have to move on to the next buyer I would like to do it sooner rather than later.

We live in a ever evolving world, which means even our garage and yard sales are changing. We have them still seasonally in real time, and virtually year round. But we are all grown-ups, or sre supposed to be, so we should try to be considerate regardless of if it is a real actual yard sale or garage sale or a virtual one on Facebook.

Am I Emily Post? No. But I think good manners should never go out of style even with the humble garage sale , virtual or real.

Thanks for stopping by.

the difference between right and wrong

Posted on by

kidsParenting is never easy.  It is why there are so many books devoted to the subject, blogs, magazines, you name it.  You can have great kids but then have awkward situations.

Such is the case I heard of recently.

Someone I know has this utterly awkward situation to deal with.  Their kid had someone over to hang out and something got broken.  What got broken was a gift from a grandmother.  Headphones – something not particularly inexpensive.

So now what?  Do you think kids should take responsiblity for their actions after a point?  Do you think their parents should be told when they break something expensive belonging to your child?  Accidents happen, but where do you draw the line?

Apparently the kid who broke the headphones isn’t too interested in stepping up and replacing them and told the other kid NO he’s not replacing them and if he has a problem with that go to his parents. He is not even particularly sorry he broke something belonging to a friend.

Sign me once again the new Victorian.  Is everything so disposable in our society that it also affects personal accountability?

To me this isn’t necessarily the question of money or the object, it is the question of doing what is right.  After all if the kid who did the breaking of things said to his friend “hey man, I’m sorry. But look my parents can’t afford to replace them and I am going to get into soooo much trouble if they find out.” maybe I wouldn’t be wondering about this topic.  But because this kid is sort of cavalier and seemingly uncaring about breaking something that belongs to a friend, I have an issue with that.

If this happened to you, what would you do?  I have been thinking about it and personally I would go to the other kid’s mother at a minimum.  I would be honest with them and tell her it’s not about the money or the object it’s about the principle of it.  Accidents happen, and I’m sorry kids aren’t ever too young or too old to learn that it might be harder to own up to something but it’s better in the long run.

Maybe this kid breaks things with great regularity at other people’s houses.  Maybe when these things happen this is the kid’s M.O. and other parents are too embarrassed to bring this up to his parents. Or maybe the parents know and don’t want to deal.  You can dissect this a lot of ways.

It is indeed a sticky situation. Some say to this that you need to pick your battles, but I don’t see the issue that simplistically.  I think kids should be accountable for their actions, and even if they don’t replace what they broke, good lord it costs them nothing to apologize.  And it is the responsibility of that child’s parents to teach him that. That however in and of itself is another discussion.

Are you a parent?   What do you think?