Tag Archives: relationships

life and the nature of relationships. do we know what really matters any longer?

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I will preface this post with this isn’t about anyone or any one thing in particular. This is something I have been thinking about. A meandering mash up of things.

In part this is about the nature of friendships and relationships, a lot of what I have been thinking about in part are relationships between women. Now these can be family members who are female or they can just be female friends. But I look at my male friends and they’re pretty consistent throughout our aging process. But the women? Not so much a lot of the time. Women can be hurtful friends. Even when that is not the intent. I am sure I have been guilty of this behavior myself.

Men in my opinion as friends will take you for who you are male or female, be less judgemental, and are upfront if something is bothering them. I will include a caveat and say sometimes men you are in intimate relationships or marriages with may be less open, but I think that’s because of a difference in those relationships to begin with. I actually will leave my own husband out of that category because he is who he is, and is very consistent and upfront with how he is feeling. But then again, sometimes I wonder if part of the way my husband is, has to do with the fact that we’ve known each other for so long and were friends first, or just because that is the way he is? I don’t know but I am grateful he is by my side.

I will admit that I am tough as a person at times. As in I can be tough on people. But I am very devoted to my friends, family, and others that I care about, so when I can’t understand certain behavior, and I seek clarity, but feel like a proverbial door gets shut in my face, I find it hard. I am not saying life is always about me, but what I am saying is sometimes the delivery or expression of what someone is trying to say, sucks. And again, not saying that I am not also capable of this or excusing my personal behavior. These are observations.

I have discovered over the past few years that a lot of the way my relationships have evolved, is I am the person people come to when they need someone to talk to. I keep my own counsel and if I give my word I keep my word. It is an honor to be a trustworthy friend/human being, but I have found sadly as I’ve aged that not everyone reciprocates similarly. Not everyone keeps conversations that are supposed to be private to themselves, and there are some people where conversations are sort of a one-way street, as in when they want to have one it’s cool, not when you might need to have one.

On occasion, I am the one who just needs to talk; needs someone else to listen. Reaching out when that occurs, is not something I just randomly do, so when I do and I feel shall we say, unheard by those who should know me pretty well, it’s not fun.

Sometimes I also find myself having basic trust issues with people, who I feel very guilty about having trust issues with. But I don’t know how to articulate it any better. Especially since COVID, a lot of people are just going through stuff. So I have discovered people don’t necessarily think the same way as they once did. The communication changed and we were all by ourselves for so long that sometimes I think people will just say whatever and have lost the ability to filter.

And the reason I’m writing about this now is I’m finding myself in situations where I’m a little unsure. Sometimes you just feel like you’re doing all of the emotional giving, with little receiving when you need it. It’s hard when you put your proverbial toe out to try to test the water to talk, and it’s like others are not available. Or don’t want to be available. And sometimes it feels hurtful, even if that is not the person’s intent. And well I think no one intentionally wants to be overly sensitive, I think this is a byproduct of all the alone time during COVID.

Now part of the problem with me personally I’m sure is I’ll open my mouth about politics and social issues and I’m not shy or reticent in my opinions in general. But if you’ve known me even briefly, you know that about me. Also as a blogger, I have had people say to me that they couldn’t possibly be friends with me because I am a blogger. Seriously.

There are people who no longer think I am worthy to be friends with since they realized my politics aren’t precisely theirs. They went from people I used to do things with and swap Christmas cards with to complete crickets. I don’t wish them ill, but they know where I live if they ever decide I am worthy again. But sadly, I feel they were but a season in life. You know that old phrase about people being in the categories of reason, season, and lifetime? Sometimes we just have to move on, even if we really don’t want to.

But also since COVID a lot of people have pulled in on themselves and aren’t as communicative. I can also say that about myself honestly, as well. I find that I’ve pulled in a bit. Maybe that’s because we all had to spend so much more time on our own, and perhaps it’s all about getting used to being around people again? Or has COVID made us all a little bit more selfish? Or has COVID just reset the clock a bit to perhaps more the way we were before social media?

In that vein, I can’t control how other people feel or their actions. And I know that I can only control my own actions and reactions. But still I have questions, I have doubts, and I have human frailties. Sometimes, right or wrong, I feel like I’m not supposed to have any of those in the eyes of others.

And then there are the perfect strangers who contact me every day, often all times of the day and night about things going on. I’m not just a blogger, I’m a human being. I have my own life. Sometimes it would be nice for people in general just to say “Hey how are you doing?” I can’t tell you how long it’s been since somebody has asked me something as simple as that.

If we are talking about me simply as a blogger, I like being able to help people when I can. I like being able to help people promote their events. But when I promote an event, generally speaking I have a connection. Either I know people involved with the event, or perhaps it’s just something I support and attend. I am not compensate it in any way when I do something like this I am just paying it forward.

Similarly when I write about an issue, it’s because it’s something I have discovered and I have an interest in. I am not compensated when I decide to do something with an issue. And again, it’s the whole paying it forward because there are so many things in our communities that don’t get any airtime they don’t see the light of day. When it comes to the issues then sometimes people like it, sometimes they don’t.

Recently I had somebody who was a perfect stranger contact me via another person whom I really don’t know to ask me to promote an event. An event was basically happening the next day. I did not reply. And I just didn’t do anything about it. I didn’t write about it, I didn’t share any links on social media about it, I just let it go. One reason was I wasn’t invited to the event in the first place. And I’m not paid to do these things again nor do I expect payment, but it’s also at times a simple question of feeling respected. And if you couldn’t invite me in the first place, yet you contact me in the 11th hour as an total stranger to promote it to save your bacon, how do you think that makes a person feel?

And then after the fact, you discover you did know someone involved with the event, who should have been the one reaching out to ask if I would do something, but then they would have had to have apologized for behavior less than friend worthy a few years ago when who you quietly just let go of that relationship. But this is a person who has left many bodies in their wake in their personal quest for social acceptance and basic climbing, and it will be a while yet before they realize that all of it came at a cost, and eventually they will be alone at the top of their solitary hill, wondering where their actual friends who didn’t care about their somewhat more humble past went? Honey, we’re all still here living our lives without you. We enjoyed your company, would have kept you as a lifetime, but you made yourself a season.

To promote an event or a local issue is not my actual job. As in I’m not paid to do any of this . I do things as the spirit moves me. And most of the people know who know me well know that it’s not a big thing if I decide not to cover something, it’s just not my jam. Yet some people if I don’t cover something, take it very personally. And they often forget the basic premise of I just write because that is my jam. I am not a compensated blogger, and I actually pay to have an ad-free site here.

Maybe sometimes what I’m finding confusing or what I’m actually lamenting are what we were raised with as far as social norms and niceties. You know, manners. A sense of right and wrong.

Also having style is not merely an outfit you wear, it goes a little deeper. Or it should.

One of the other things I’ve noticed since COVID are shall we say boundary issues. People will contact you at really odd times of the day and night. It could be people you know, people you work with, people who are strangers. It’s like all the stuff you learned as a kid growing up regarding when it was polite to contact someone and when you should wait for the following day and so on and so forth is simply gone.

Other seemingly simple things like saying thank you for something. Or sending an actual thank you note. How many of you out there feel like older than dirt because you still send thank you notes I know that you should send them? and that is something I get mad at myself when I don’t take the time for a proper note I just call or text. I know I wasn’t raised to do that. I know I was raised to sit down and take the time and write a note. And I have the note cards and stationary. (Note to self: use your stationary more, it’s a dying art form.)

And then you think about work relationships. How many people now have noticed how work relationships have changed since COVID ? Is it just me or does it seem like work from home also translates to a lot of people that you should be available 24/7/ 365? Is it work to live or live to work? And what about the people who either don’t understand what work from home means, or only want what they want on their schedule, forgetabout yours? I mean sometimes it’s easy to make a mistake because you don’t know what someone else’s schedule necessarily is, but other times is it a mistake?

As our world changes are we supposed to change with it or try to keep some of the niceties we were raised with in today’s world? I don’t know the answer. And it’s something I wish I knew the answers to. It would sometimes make the playing field a little more level or understandable.

Or at the end of the day there could be some things I just quite simply take too personally. And that’s a flaw. But I don’t think so. But I do think about it. Anyway as always, I like to write it out to try to figure things out.

And then there are the sobering realities of life that just make you think and pause.

Two of my friends became widows this year. Neither is old enough to be a widow.

Someone else I know has been diagnosed with chronic kidney disease and needs a transplant to live. And he’s got so much life left to live I am so upset. (Read about this here and share.)

Finally, another friend is rushing to their brother’s bedside, whom I also know. The family is about to say good-bye to a tremendous human being.

Sometimes I wonder what God is trying to teach us while I marvel at the pond scum who blithely inhabit this earth while good people suffer and even lose loved ones. Sometimes if I am honest, I struggle to see the beauty in this world, and remember life’s blessings, I actually really DO try to remember why we are here on earth. But as human beings is it just too much work to be the best we can be all of the time? If so, what is the solution?

I am open to conversation here, because I really would like to know how people feel about some of these topics I’ve raised today in this post.

Stay dry and have a cup of tea. It is the perfect weather for that!

Thanks for stopping by.

women….a mystery even to other women

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Essentially this has nothing to do with anything
and is just a painting I saw a while back
that I found interesting- and it’s women
and that’s the topic of this post.

Before I dive into writing my post, let’s talk about Gwyneth Paltrow for a second. Personally I think she’s bizarre. And narcissistic.

Gwyneth has announced she is going Sex Ed, including a new show that will be launching on Netflix this week. I saw an outtake of the show this morning on the Today Show, and they were talking Wolverine Claws. Yep sharp pointy claw things that can literally draw blood. Sex Ed with a side of kink, anyone? And like two in Bravo’s Real Housewives franchises , she will be selling vibrators on her Goop website and some female libido pill. But it’s a Goop product so they will be more wholesome, right?

I totally get her whole women having body issues. I especially get it after having breast cancer because quite frankly I have an uneven chest but I don’t want fake plastic boobs. Oh I guess this is going to be too much for some of my male readers, so I apologize in advance. But I have always said this blog is about whatever strikes my fancy and today the topic is women. This was just a quasi related segue.

Someone asked me the other day about a woman who used to be a very close friend. when we were in our 20s even up to my 30s. We did tons of stuff together. It wasn’t a weekend if I didn’t hang out with her at some point. She was a lot of fun and is still one of the most naturally beautiful women I have ever met. Men literally fell at her feet. Mostly they ignored the rest of us with her, although they would often buy us cocktails just so they could be in her presence. She was often a lot nicer to some of them than they deserved.

Our friendship started to change and wane a little when she got involved with this weird cult-like group. The group sold seminars under the whole guise of personal wellness and well-being but I remember going to a couple of things with her and it was like freaky Friday at least for me. I felt like the people that ran it were a bunch of charlatans and they were very happy to take people’s money, but I couldn’t get if the “help“ they offered had any value. But she was a friend so I didn’t say anything and I accepted this was something she needed in her life.

Then one day she asked me to help her rewrite her résumé. So I did it for her and she got a fabulous job in New York. And dropped me like a hot potato. There was no argument or disagreement, she was literally just done with me. Reinvented herself and was finished with those who knew her when. It really hurt. At this point in my life, this was the first time I had ever experienced anything like this. I have seen her fly by here and there over the years on the social media of others and she looks happy, and she got married. I hope she has everything she wants in life. But I hope she’s learned to treat people better.

Now this was a woman whose company I enjoyed very much, so she is someone I actually miss from time to time. But I think I just can’t let people in again all the time after great hurt. It’s not about not being able to forgive someone, it’s more about being practical because if they’ve done it once they will inevitably do it again and do you want to put yourself through that?

Next came a woman who was a very close friend, I was even one of her bridesmaids. Our parents kind of knew each other through other people, there was a lot of commonality. But I always kind of knew in the back of my head if I was honest she wouldn’t last.

When I realized this about this woman, ironically it was at her wedding. There were a lot of people she invited that none of us in her current circle had ever known existed in her world. She was one of those people that has one set of friends and then moves to the next set of friends and so on and so forth. She is also someone who would periodically disappear for long durations of time (years) from her friends’ lives and then just pop up like nothing had ever happened. She did that to me actually. And it was really weird, and hurt. But I forgave it the first time because it was nice to have her back in my life.

The second time I walked away from her entirely. The second time it occurred when I moved to Chester County. When I moved to Chester County I was the out of sight, out of mind person. And coming out here when I did in my 40s was a big change for me. I had lived my life and practically its entirety in only one other place except for early childhood. Chester County was completely unknown although I wanted very much to be here. So it wasn’t the simplest of transitions because it was so emotionally loaded. Here I am standing on the precipice of the rest of my life where I very much want to be, yet at the same time nervous because I was literally leaving everything else I knew someplace else.

This woman literally just stopped returning my calls after I was out here a little over a year. I was no longer geographically convenient for her as a friend, I suppose. But because I had given our friendship a second chance when she disappeared the first time, I was just quietly done. I am not going to chase after someone whom I had fulfilled my end of the friendship so to speak. And I had told myself after the first time, if it happened again, the life door was just not going to reopen.

The other thing I discovered with this other woman is she has become dependent on extreme forms of Christianity. That is her comfort level. It keeps her insulated from I think the reality she is trying to escape. That’s her jam, and I respect it because I think she actually deeply believes it. I have also seen her a couple of times here and there, and it made me realize that while I was over the hurt she caused me, I just I’m not going to let her back in this time. I will always be happy to run into her, but I just can’t again.

I have had some missteps with new women in my life moving to Chester County. There was one woman I actually really enjoyed. But she used confidences we shared with each other to curry favor with others. That’s a disloyalty that I can never get my head wrapped around. At the time when that happened, I was so new to Chester County and feeling the loss of my aforementioned friend, so this was briefly hurtful. But I just walked away. I closed the door. I realized after a bit they had their own issues, and this was for the best. And I hadn’t invested that much in knowing them at that point so it stung, but it wasn’t a permanent hurt.

Trust is a big value with me. And once you feel like it’s broken in a relationship for me that’s really hard to go back and deal with. Maybe that’s a character flaw on my part, I don’t know.

Then there were a couple of women that were kind of out of my childhood, and I was delighted to find them out here. Well one I already knew was out here, the other came out here after I moved here.

These couple of women are women I used to have a lot of fun with. And then one really wanted to just be the controlling person in the relationship like I was a child, and the other was kind of a copycat on things I liked. And of course then there were the extreme political views that emerged just like with a lot of people. I kind of said goodbye to both of these women at once. With one of them it wasn’t so hard a decision. The other one it was a harder decision, because I knew her longer and better. But having either of them in my life, meant chaos and unreal drama, so I chose myself and peace.

But as we grow and evolve as human beings, sometimes our friendships don’t grow in the same way. However, when you experience the loss of longer-term friendships it kind of makes it hard to trust sometimes the new people you meet. You want to let them in because they just seem so nice, but it takes a minute, know what I mean?

So there’s this one woman I met within the past couple of years whom I really enjoyed. I really thought she’d be a new friend. And maybe someday again she will be, but she did something I found completely disloyal. And when I kind of called her on it privately, she turned it around that it was my fault.

What my fault was is that she wanted to have a political discussion on a day where my head was just too full. You know those days, you just know that you can’t do one more thing. And I was working on something for a client. When I am working, I am working, and with the onset of Covid-19 a lot of people blur those lines. But I can’t be all things to all people 24 hours a day 7 days a week 365 days a year. So I said I couldn’t talk. Because I literally couldn’t – I was working and I was just tired, physically and emotionally.

The other things people don’t realize is because I’m a blogger, some days I literally get private messages and reach outs from people around the clock. Can I look at this, can I comment on this, why haven’t I done that or the other thing? Some days I just get tired.

So this person blamed me for her essentially kind of being crappy to me. And I’m just done for now. This is not somebody I really want to walk away from because I think they’re really interesting, but this is a question of mutual respect and friend loyalty. Which means I’m letting go of them for now. I am not angry, although it has made me pissy. But it’s something I’m hitting the pause button on. At least for now. And it wasn’t an easy decision, either.

But as I said to someone who once taught me, and as an adult is a dear friend, these situations are one of those things that you think as you get older maybe the people will get better? But still it almost goes back to the same stuff you were dealing with in high school, just on a different playing field. Sociologically it’s interesting. Personally it can be hurtful, and you also get to a point in your life where you feel like you just need to hit pause.

And this is a very female on female or female response, because I also have encountered women who will just throw men and women under the bus just because they are threatened by change. Or they just crave attention good bad or indifferent.

My male friends aren’t this way. If one of my male friends has a problem, they don’t post it on social media they contact me and they pretty much say “so what’s up?”

I don’t pretend to be perfect, or to have led a perfect life. But I find women to be cruel and hurtful to one and other over the dumbest sheit.

I guess this just makes me a little sad because as I have settled into life over the years in Chester County, I have met some amazing women. But as we age as women, trust and loyalty go a long way.

If as a woman if you really have a problem with a woman you know, talk to them. And if they tell you one of the days you want to talk to them they just can’t do it, accept that at face value and try again another day. Maybe it will be a while, but sometimes it isn’t about what you want, it’s about what they need and whatever they have asked you to hit the pause button on.

Well ladies, that’s all I’ve got for today. Thanks for stopping by.

no this isn’t a made for lifetime tv movie…

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dollsPeople always shake their head in amazement and skepticism at made for TV movies on Lifetime based on real stories and say  “How can things in real life be that horrible?” The short answer is you would be amazed.

In December, 2010 a really dear friend of mine from high school got engaged.  I was so very happy for him.  I did not know much about his intended other than a rather rocky past and quite a few children, but figured she looked nice enough even if she seemed to have a hard time in photos smiling and my friend Scott, well, he was so over the moon happy with this woman.

We’re not teenagers any more and this woman brought kids into her relationship with my friend.  My friend Scott is a very emotionally generous person and had been doing the single dude thing for so long I thought it was terrific.  And I knew those kids were lucky to get someone like Scott in their lives. After all, some people don’t want to be step-parents to the children of others.

Now Scott and I grew up minutes from each other and he went to one of the private schools many of my friends came from.  But for years now he had been out on the west coast.  So a lot of our communication over the years was by phone, e-mail, letters, and Facebook. So I had watched from afar as my friend fell in love with this woman.  He was so happy.  They were creating their own family unit and he loved her kids. Then came the news she was expecting.

Scott was going to be a father.  He was, quite simply put, over the moon.  Then on Tuesday, June 28th his daughter was born in sunny Petaluma, CA.  Scott was a dad.

Scott took to fatherhood like a duck to water.  We  as his friends shared their joys and Baby Girl’s every step. Baby Girl is a magically beautiful child and there is no doubt whose genes were dominant – she is a mini me to her devoted dad.  The only thing at this point that gave me pause was the fact this woman seemed to be dragging my friend deeper and deeper into this church which seemed a little too California cult-like to me.  Sorry, but I am who I am and I come from a traditional religion.

Time passed and this past September Scott’s friends received the jolt of a lifetime: he was out of the house and this woman was trying to get a restraining order out on him to keep him that way.   He was barred from seeing his daughter, the now ex  had all his stuff, and there he was wondering why he just got run over by an 18 wheeler.

Skeptics out there might say he must have done something wrong, and to them I say he might be many things but my friend Scott is not an abuser of anything or anyone.  He is not perfect, he is human complete with all the dents life gives you by your late 40s but he is honorable.

Besides, this is ironically the third case I know about where exes (women) are using the legal system to their advantage. For example,  I know another man in NJ who dates one of my very close friends and he  is going through a version of this.  His case is even stranger because his now soon to be ex wife wanted the divorce. He acquiesced and became accustomed to the idea and started to move on with his life with someone else (my friend), and whammo, all of a sudden he is an abuser. He has been fighting these charges brought on by his soon to be ex-wife for months and in his case  his soon to be ex-wife continues to contact him when she should be speaking through her lawyers (After all one would expect a woman in fear for her safety would not seek constant, direct contact for minutia the attorneys are supposed to handle, right?)

I have a HUGE problem with women who work the system like this.   I have zero respect for women who work the system to merely keep a home court advantage. It’s like women who cry rape and later it is proven rape did not occur.  Women who work the system to their own selfish ends make it that much harder for women actually in need.  After all it takes two to make a relationship, get pregnant, and break a relationship.

So now my friend Scott  has to scramble to pick up the pieces of his life.  He has not seen his daughter in over 110 days by my count.  I mean what kind of judicial system is it that doesn’t allow a father to see his daughter on Christmas or puts a dad who was the primary caregiver for more than a year in the position where he can only see his child two hours a week?  And because of the bogus restraining order it kind of makes it hard and down right dangerous for Scott to even attempt court supervised visits.  Why?  Because this woman has already exercised the order on him for coincidentally somehow being in a store too close to her in the same SMALL town they were both living in until recently….and isn’t that crazy?  He wasn’t attempting to see her and was getting a cup of coffee or something innocuous and whammo he gets a police visit?

What is wrong with the judicial system in California?  I am kind of surprised that a state that is often more forward thinking because of its Trendy Wendyiness for lack of a better description wouldn’t be more fair.  What happened to a father’s rights?

Nowhere have I heard my friend speak of taking primary physical custody, let alone taking his daughter anywhere.  He just wants his parental rights.  He was not some anonymous sperm donor and he’s not some impregnating baby daddy who bolts at conception and/or birth. He wanted this child, he loves this child, he wants to see and spend time with his child. Real time, not pizza time.

Of course now that this is all unfolding there are many sad details of his ex-fiancee’s life coming to light.  I will spare my readers the details as I think this is a woman with deep-seeded issues and we’ll leave it at that.  But I am of the opinion that the California legal system needs to take off the protect-the-woman- at- all- costs blinders and look to this woman’s life before she was in Scott’s life. And then these esteeemed professionals in California’s system have to ask is this the first time she has worked the system?  Is it possible for one woman to have so many issues with her multiple prior baby daddies  or is there something else not being seen clearly or fairly?

And a little shout out to this “church” that this woman dragged my friend into.  You see, when this all began, like a good Christian my friend went to their pastor and kind of said “what do I do?” I hear this pastor person gave some solid counsel at the outset. But soon the tides turned. Behind the scenes, and inspired by his ex fiancee, church members traded accusations — one of them went so far as to threaten Scott with physical violence on his Facebook page. Right there in black and white for all to see. Whoa. There’s Christianity at its best, right?  So why is it all these good Christians have turned their back on him?  It was all ducky and peach preserves until someone cried wolf, so what up with that? To these God-fearing hypocrites I suggest they brush up on their Matthew – Judge not, that ye be not judged.

A little shout out to Scott’s ex: I spared writing about a lot of details his friends and family are privy to.  I did that not for your delicate sensibilities, but for Scott and his daughter.  Which is also why I did not name you or her by name.  What you are doing is wrong, and you know it is wrong. Am I wrong in thinking you have a very destructive pattern?  Am I wrong in thinking you need to stop popping out kids from different baby daddies and get to the root of your issues? Girl, you need a shrink and birth control. Relationships end, but fathers have rights too. Moving from man to man and leaving a litter of children with various fathers isn’t going to fix what is wrong, is it?

I am so sad about this. I might never get to meet my friend’s daughter.  And the thing that makes me the most sad is somewhere there is a little girl not quite old enough to get what is going on, but old enough to miss and ask where her daddy is.  And Baby Girl is a daddy’s girl so I know she’s asking.

Lifetime TV?  If you need story ideas, here’s your next moment of truth movie.  It is all very sad, and all very true.

not your average “beach read”

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Women titillated by 50 Shades of Gray. From screencrush.com http://screencrush.com/50-shades-of-grey-movie/

Time to get slightly controversial.  An article recently in Forbes online, specifically Forbeswoman has prompted me to comment on something I had not commented on, because I simply found the topic distasteful.

It’s that Fifty Shades of Gray by EL James.  First I was merely appalled by a mindless news report on NBC 10 this past March by Dawn Timmoney.  The news report cut into this kitchen scene with purported “Main Line” women.  There they are talking about oops how naughty the book was and how naughty they were for reading it.  They looked half in the bag, and just…well…gauche. Yes, they indeed needed a spanking.  What I did not know then is that the book is supposedly  a big hit with middle-aged women. I must be a different kind of woman or more of a traditionalist that I thought.

So we now know these ladies are into soft porn, rape fantasies, and bondage.  And so do their kids, neighbors, rabbis, ministers, priests, lady at the checkout aisle in the grocery store, cleaning lady, etcetera. And apparently they need this book to feel sexy or get their proverbial rocks off? Low self esteem much?

Really, that is what you want the PTA and girl scout troop leader to know?  Or say your own mother?

Wow.

I am not a prude, but the whole premise of these books is profoundly disturbing to me.  It seems to me, that for all women have advanced throughout the years, that this sets them back.  And I am also not a women’s libber.

But to me, it seems that if this is what you have to turn to, there is something definitely off in your interpersonal relationships.  I get that some people are into role play, and quite frankly, what happens behind your bedroom doors doesn’t affect me.  But don’t assume that everyone wants to hear about it.

Once you get past the porn side of the book, what I find that disturbs me is the fact that there is this darker side to the book that objectifies women, and glamorizes what amounts to domination of women in what I feel is an unhealthy way, along with basically glamorizing rape and potentially violence and emotional abuse of women.  I also think it makes a mockery out of relationships.

Have I read the book cover to cover?  No, I did not want to.  The basic idea of it was disturbing, not titillating.  I read an excerpt or two online and flipped through it in a bookstore when I saw a couple of women furtively checking it out.  This is not something I would buy, nor would I borrow it from a friend.

I truly find the whole idea of subservient female anything distasteful. There are undertones to the concept of the book that are unacceptable and possibly dangerous.  And  hearing it portrayed as something to revive ailing relationships, just wow.  EL James as Dr. Ruth of today?  Yuck.

I love to read.  A good author can send you to foreign lands, and interesting locales and paint word pictures that put you there, in the moment of the book.  But this?  What kind of message does a book like this send?  Is this what you want your daughters to read and learn from?  Really?

I am sure someone said something like this when Jaqueline Susann’s Valley of the Dolls  was published in 1996, but  wow, that sure seems tame by comparison.

And this book has probably made the author a millionaire and has reportedly also boosted sales of things like plain white rope in hardware stores all over the country.  Even more amusing?  Hotels are offering Fifty Shades of Gray Tourista Packages.  And oh yes, the Daily Mail in the UK is predicting a rise in babies born a veritable baby boom, with direct attribution going towards…you got it…Fifty Shades of Gray.

Does Fifty Shades of Gray have Pinterest Boards yet?

Like this Forbes writer said, I am also not a book burner.  But what is wrong with a society that views this as fabulous?  I don’t get it.  Do you?  Am I wrong?  If you have an opinion, feel free to post a comment.  Remember I reserve the right to not publish comments as I see fit.

Here is the Forbes article:

ForbesWoman       6/23/2012 @ 12:23PM  |45,152 views   

Is ‘Fifty Shades Of Grey’ Dangerous?

Kathryn CaseyKathryn Casey, Contributor

Please accept this as gospel: I do not like censorship. I am not a book burner. I will stand up for my right and your right to read any book we choose. Also understand that I fault no one for selling or reading E.L. James’s erotic novels, the Fifty Shades series.

In fact, I’m in that latter category. I bought a copy of the first book in the trilogy, Fifty Shades of Grey, a few months ago, eager to see what all the fuss was about…..women are saying reading the book is rekindling their interest in intimacy. One morning on The Today Show, I watched a  soccer mom insist the book had reignited her sex life with her husband.

The books are so successful, that they’ve spawned an increase in sex toy sales, and some hardware store owners are having a tough time keeping cotton rope….You see, handsome billionaire Grey, the title character, is into BDSM, an acronym for bondage, discipline, and sadomasochism. In other words, the books’ hero enjoys tying his partner up, dominating her, and inflicting pain…..The problem is that ever since I read James’s first novel, I’ve been troubled. Is anyone else out there wondering what I am: Do middle-aged women, the main audience for this book, really view the threat of violence as an aphrodisiac? And isn’t it dangerous to turn a BDSM-addict into a romantic hero? Would we want our daughters dating Christian Grey?

….What I find unsettling is that in Christian Grey I see the attributes of so many of the men I’ve written about over the years, the ones who abuse and sometimes even end up murdering their intimate partners. Experts have said for decades that rape is more about control than sex. ……a man who needs to dominate, humiliate, and physically abuse a woman isn’t a hero.