life and some random pondereing.

Today I was cleaning up some old notes, and I found an email I had sent to a then head of a business association a few years ago now. Why I had contacted them was over an experience at one of their member businesses, and subsequently how I was treated when they didn’t like my opinion.

I am not naming either the business association or the business. It’s not because I am afraid of the business or afraid of the blowback, I simply feel they do not deserve the specific attention. But it got me thinking, so I’m writing.

A few years ago I visited a local business. It was a mixed bag experience. After my visit, I commented in a local social media group that there were some good things, and not so great things about my visit, but perhaps after being open longer it would improve. I also mentioned I preferred another business better.

That was just my opinion. It was hardly a hard slam that this was the worst business on the face of the earth ever. It certainly wasn’t the worst thing said about it back then, either.

What happened next was completely unacceptable. The business owner completely flipped out, and essentially tarred and feathered and scarlet lettered me as an individual and local resident on social media channels.

At the time, the literal harassing of me as just a regular person who had gone in there went on for weeks. I will note I actually called the business and spoke to a female employee who seemed somewhat upset to hear how I’d been treated. This employee said they would pass this along to the owner or other managers (I’m not really quite sure who), but needless to say, I never heard from them.

While this was all occurring back then, I reached out to the then business association president serving that area. I never received the courtesy of a reply. And some in my family had been customers of their business once upon a time, so I was not simply unknown.

The only thing that actually came of my reaching out was the business association person unfriended me on social media, which actually only made me laugh out loud because it was so ridiculous.

Again, I wasn’t ever seeking compensation for my treatment. An apology would have been nice and sufficed for their complete and utter overreaction but that never happened, so I simply decided I wasn’t going to go there ever again.

What I’ve never discussed before, is when I contacted the business association I not only told him my experience with their member business, but I offered them constructive helpful. Suggestions on how to not have this repeat. I figured that was being a good supporter of a local business association and other businesses to say “Hey look, here’s a simple thought. Why don’t you contemplate XYZ?” What I suggested wasn’t rude, it was actually just common sense and manners.

What I suggested to the business association wouldn’t have cost anyone any money. It was simply placing the seed of a simple concept: how to not react inappropriately with a sledge hammer when a customer was not happy. And I know I wasn’t off-base, because I know for a fact, specific businesses I patronize who practice these principles constantly, even when they would be well within their rights to say “Hey, you’re a jerk go pound sand!”

Bad behavior by business owners in a local community, isn’t conducive to good community relations. It’s pretty much simple. People might move on from incidents like this, but they aren’t ever really forgotten.

Another example would be a local business I love today, but they have as an employee, someone who used to have a local business with whom I had a very unpleasant experience. I would truly patronize this business more, but I never know when that person is going to be on their premises as their employee and I just don’t want to deal with it.

As the years have gone by. I have continued to patronize the businesses in this one area that I like, and in some cases love, but I no longer support the business association events and I do not go out of my way to tell people they should check out the events or the area. Needless to say, I have not referred a single person to the offending business in particular, nor have I ever stepped foot in the door again.

My not patronizing one business, attending events, or suggesting that business to others doesn’t matter to that particular business. And that’s fine. I don’t really care. It was a personal decision. I did what was best for me. If as a customer, you can’t expect basic common courtesy, then there are other businesses waiting for you to explore and discover that you will like better.

The funny thing is, I had kind of forgotten for the most part this particular business exists. And then, at the end of the year I was invited to some event being held there. I would have liked to have supported this event, but I told my friend I just couldn’t possibly go into that business. They asked why. They hadn’t known about anything that had occurred there with regard to me so I told them. They were kind of appalled.

If I had never had this experience, I probably would have given them a second chance again after all of this time. And that is the take away here to small businesses everywhere, especially in an economy like this where inflation often dictates the amount of fun that people are willing to go out and pay for. Losing customers or potential customers for the sake of ego does matter. Maybe it won’t matter today, maybe it won’t matter tomorrow, but eventually it will matter.

What this business in particular did to me, was seen by anyone who cared to look. You had the proverbial Coliseum spectators cheering on the lion, ripping the gladiators apart, and then you had the everyday people to whom this gave serious pause. A lot of businesses with often false bravado will say they don’t care, but they should care.

I have many friends who owns small businesses. And these people agonize when someone doesn’t have a great experience. These caring businesses go back and they examine, and they think how can they do better? Of course, this is why many of these businesses have been in business for so long.

The funny thing is, I don’t write about all of my experiences visiting places, good bad, or indifferent. For the most part, I will only share the positive ones and when I share something it is from the perspective of a customer who did not expect anything and who is not asking for anything.

When I write here, it is as a non-compensated blogger. I love to share things that I find, especially when they absolutely delight me. And yes, I do share the not so delightful experiences at times, but not all of them. And to me, customer service matters a great deal.

Related is what also always cracks me up: how some of the self righteous always seem to hold me to a higher standard than anyone else. Even if traditional regular media has written about something I wrote about, they are not raked over the coals, they are not judged harshly. That is all saved for me. I still don’t really know why, and I can’t psychoanalyze all of the people who seem to think that how they have the life mission and divine authority to be judge, jury, and executioner.

Anyway, I was just thinking about these things and decided to share.

the new feminism or revisiting old issues?

I don’t know if any of you are watching the HBO/MAX series on the life of Julia Child called “Julia”. I have always been a fan of the French Chef, and I love to cook and I have a bunch of her cookbooks so I really enjoy the show, which began before I was even born. I also enjoy the show and the way that it has blended the era in which she started in TV with the world around them.

In one of the episodes Julia Child has an encounter with Betty Friedan. My research indicates this encounter never actually happened. But another article I read said that the show was perhaps exploring Julia’s brand of feminism versus Betty’s. And that made me think of how do we define feminists and feminism today? The show makes valid points, it also makes you ponder sometimes why as women we are our own sex’s worst enemies.

When I look back on life, you naturally start when we were growing up. Especially if you grew up in an area like the Main Line, which isn’t necessarily the real world. Graduating high school in 1981 meant sure we were being groomed to have the big female careers, but conversely we were also still being groomed to be lovely hostesses in our husbands’ homes. And no one told us or showed which choice was the right choice for us as individuals.

My career was not some giant six-figure career with fancy cars and penthouse apartments. I think that was harder on my mother for a lot of years as opposed to me. Just like it was hard on her when I was single, and sometimes she made me feel like that was a huge flaw in me as a human being. I liked what I did. Never wanted to just be with a partner or date, or even marry just so I could say I did that. I wanted it to be right.

But what I discovered when I got what should have been a career dream job is I didn’t really like it as much as the other things I had done all the other years. But it was an accomplishment. I will note that I was definitely deserving of a six-figure salary for a lot of those years, and I honestly never attained it. However, you know what? That was fine. I wasn’t a millionaire but I had enough money to take care of myself most of the time, and sometimes it was tight and I managed. And the truth of the matter is, employers are cheap. The key to their particular brand of success is not making you wealthy, but making them wealthy. Just another version of plantation mentality.

I have also always been opinionated. Sometimes that’s welcome in a corporate setting, sometimes not. as I entered into my 30s I began to realize there were other things out there. There wasn’t just being on socially correct junior committees and going to the right parties and being seen with the right people. There were the things in life that you took a look at and made you realize that all the people you were on committees with would always need you more than you needed them.

Gradually I became active in my community. I became kind of a community/grassroots activist of sorts. But sometimes who I was clashed with some of the people I was a community activist with, as well as people I grew up with . And sometimes these two sides of me clashed within myself. It took me until I was well into my 40s to understand that I could be both of those people.

And then there is the whole me as I have gotten older. I married later than a lot of people, and when I was marrying for the first time a lot of people I know were not only divorcing but onto subsequent spouses. Sometimes in that part of my world I felt judged. And I don’t really know why I think it’s just because I kind of did me all of these years. Not always easily because as we grow we learn more about ourselves. Especially as women.

Sometimes now, I feel myself judged by an entirely different generation of women. I am a stepparent and I never had my own children, somehow that goes against you and I don’t quite know how. It would’ve been nice if I had been able to bear my own children, but medically that was never possible for me, and it just never would’ve presented itself as an opportunity in the more traditional “childbearing years.”

And there’s the whole idea of feminism and having it all. But at on the eve of 58 I still wonder if you can have it all? Or is what makes you happy in fact actually having it all? I think it’s that. I think having it all, is being content with your life. And maybe that runs counter to feminism. Maybe I personally run counter to feminism because I like to do things like garden and cook and keep my house. I don’t think for years you were supposed to admit that out loud.

I look around me and we all spend a lot of our time as women in general, telling everyone else what they should do with their lives. And now once again we are coming full circle to wondering if a bunch of folks in judicial robes are going to be telling women what they should do, and more importantly what they should do with their bodies?

Oh yes, readers, I am going there. No matter what my personal choices are vis-à-vis my own body, I have never believed it was my place to tell another woman what she should do with hers. And I have always resented it when those in clerical robes and judicial robes have tried to tell us what it meant to be a woman. And I resent most of all the politicians who take this issue on on both sides and pander.

Feminism in the 60s and 70s gave women the power to be whom they felt they should be. We have in a sense, enjoyed that since then. But we’ve all gotten lackadaisical and somewhat complacent. And that’s men and women, and look where it’s gotten us in this country? Politically, we are a cesspool.

I also get tired of those who go around proselytizing in political campaigns and even within our own communities telling us what our families are supposed to look like, and what our family values according to them are supposed to be. They also want to tell us what our sexual preferences and gender identity are supposed to be, and there’s no room for anything else because it makes all of those people uncomfortable.

All of this behavior has extended itself into our schools, our libraries, our daily lives. The ultimate echo chamber is social media and certain social media groups. And what they don’t understand is they are free to have their opinions but rights are not subjective and they don’t get to foist their opinions on us and tell us that is what we are supposed to do.

All of these people want to tell you that their First Amendment rights are of more value than ours. They also want to tell you how the life during the last political administration and president was so wonderful, and today is a mess. I am wondering if they will ever be able to pull their heads out of their collective asses and realize everything they are bemoaning as a mess today is a result of what we went through with the last administration? Do I think that the current administration is doing a particularly fabulous job? To be honest no not all of the time, but then you look at realistically what they were left to deal with. Also politics has gotten ridiculously reactive and over-reactive. Being a moderate is like a four letter word.

Then you look at what we are dealing with today. You have the people who are saying that they are so against socialism and totalitarianism and they are true conservatives yet they don’t know the basics of the United States Constitution, our history as a country, and what it is to be a true conservative. Truthfully, a lot of those people don’t even realize that they are closer to socialism, communism, and totalitarianism than anyone. Sometimes I wonder if what the U.S. is experiencing today is actually closer to what Great Britain saw in post WWII England? That was some truly ugly stuff for a while. And it seems to be here today.

What we are living today is what it’s like trying to exist in a country full of political extremism. And as women in this country, I think we are feeling that acutely. And I think as women we are looking at a horrible future for future generations of American women, if we all don’t speak up.

And we as women all need to stop thinking that there’s always something wrong with who we are because of how other people see us. I realized that again this weekend when a lot of high school reunions took place. Ladies, we are who we are, and just because the “it girls“ from back in the day still think they are “it girls” it doesn’t mean they are ….it just means perhaps they are stuck in a time warp. Interestingly enough, most of them still do not know how to behave, which is something I find very amusing personally.

When it comes to women there will always be strivers. There are strivers in the personal sense of those who have amazing career goals and attain them. Then there are the strivers who are perhaps not as appealing. Like social strivers.

The social strivers are often the women who are trying to run as fast as possible from what they’re from. Instead of embracing what they’re from, they only wish to project essentially a fake persona and are often label conscious, trendy Wendy types.

Where women always will fall short in this world is not embracing that part of who you are based on what you’re from. And maybe what you’re from isn’t what you feel is socially acceptable, but it’s stupid to try to deny it because everybody knows it anyway.

There’s nothing wrong with a woman who doesn’t color her hair, doesn’t have plastic surgery, and doesn’t get Botox and other fillers every few weeks from not even their dermatologist half of the time, but a spa or salon somewhere.

Women as a species will always be competitive on some level with other women. It’s human nature. But the thing is it’s how you use that competitive nature, and ironically some of the most hyper competitive women I’ve ever met in my entire life I’ve also been among the most insecure.

I’m not saying we’re supposed to all stop shaving our legs and armpits and we’re supposed to sing Kumbaya around the campfire, what I’m saying is maybe as part of the brand of the new feminism we need to actually be real.

So what is the new feminism? I’m still not really sure. But I do think part of it is being able to speak our peace. And I think part of being real is actually acknowledging you don’t want to lift up every woman. Because sometimes there are just some women who piss you off, or irritate you, or you question their inherent value as human beings and just do not like. And that’s OK as a woman to actually say that out loud. You can be your authentic self without worrying about having to be perfect every five minutes.

Obviously I don’t have the answers, and these are just some of my rambling thoughts. I’m sure not everyone will like what I have written today, but these are things I’m thinking about.

Thanks for stopping by.

life pondering

This photo I am opening my post with. My friend Ashley took it. I just edited it and posted it.

This is one of those photos that just speaks to a person. Ashley says this man is always on a particular ramp of I-95 with his dog. The dog is loyal and faithful to this man. No leash, no collar. Wonder what their story is?

And this scene? Powerful. Poignant. Sad. Amazing. Speaks volumes without saying a word.

This past year of COVID19 has taught us all a lot if we take the time to listen, right? A friend of mine admitted to me today that she hasn’t completely minded the last year, even playing teacher to her kids. She made the point that we live in a constantly moving world, it was kind of nice to hit the pause button and have the gift of time with her family. I can’t disagree. This past year took a lot out of all of us, but it also gave us gifts.

This week I was reminded that life is precious and for all of the sad, crappy people we might meet, there are also good people out there. There are always those who would tear us down just because the pain of others makes them feel better. But those small minded angry, often mentally ill and toxic people will always exist. We can’t control their crazy, we can only live our own lives.

Ten years ago this month, I received my breast cancer diagnosis. I still remember exactly where I was and what I was doing. Breast cancer was probably the worst thing to ever happen to me and in a weird way, one of the best things.

Why?

Simple. That diagnosis forced me to look at a lot of things. And breast cancer freed me to learn to become a better me. When you are staring at a potentially deadly thing, the minutia falls to the side and you value the gift life actually is. It’s pretty simple: do you want to live and how do you want life to be? Do you want to be happy and can you give yourself the permission to be happy? And don’t we all deserve to be happy even if sometimes happy seems like a lot of work?

Maybe we should look at the last year and realize how valuable the gift of life actually is? Look at all the people who have lost their lives to a global pandemic. And here we are.

Maybe now in our current world we need to value life more? Try a little harder to deal with the many things that tear our society apart?

Among the things I am pondering is has the last year happened to remind us all what is really important which is NOT the minutia and BS we need to filter out of our lives?

So should we all just pause and take a minute? Take a breath? Are we capable of doing that without crowdsourcing it on social media? I don’t know. There are good days and bad days in everyone’s life, but it’s what you do with them, right?

And I know this is a ramble without a real beginning, middle, or end. Sorry. It just flowed out that way.

A little life pondering is good for the soul.

Have a good evening all.