who are we now?

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Do you remember when you were little or even a teenager, you thought fifty was old? But I also remember a lot of fifty and almost fifty year olds looking much older then versus now. Or maybe it is a case of everything is relative.

For me being fifty is sort of at this point full circle meets “Wow, where did all the years go?” But for the most part I don’t feel fifty, or whatever it is our pre-conceived notion of being and feeling fifty is supposed to be. Fifty can be vastly different even depending on what television show you watch and what magazine you look at.

Face it, fifty has gotten younger as we have gotten older. The fifty of the 1950s for example is very different than today. But then the roles of women have evolved too, so maybe that has something to do with it. Or maybe the fear of aging is just that much more pronounced now?

I found the image above and it cracks me up because I remember women’s household magazines in the 1970s showing women how to make duvet covers, curtains, and clothes out of sheet sets. I was born in the mid 1960s and when I first remember women that were “old” to me as a kid, i.e. middle-aged would have been the early 1970s. That was when I noticed how much more hip city women at the time seemed from suburban women and then there was a remarkable difference.

Today, women to an extent are more assimilated in some regards, but not all. But back then (for example) you might see hip city women in boho chic for summer and suburban women all Lily Pullitzer and Vera. The city gals were more free flowing and the suburban women more seriously buttoned up.

What defined fifty in my mother’s time of fifty was so different than what we see today. But also what I am noticing today to an extent fascinates me. And so many take themselves so seriously. They still don’t realize it is ok to color outside of the lines.

I have no issue with women who “take care of themselves”. But sometimes I think my friends and I are in the majority of not having “work done.”

To each their own, but after undergoing a couple non-elective and fairly major surgeries, I can’t imagine elective surgeries for new boobs, face, and so on. I also don’t get filling your face full of chemical fillers and well, botulism (well that is what Botox is).

I see women whose faces are shiny and other worldly luminous from chemical peels. It just doesn’t look normal to me, and some look like they could glow in the dark. I always wonder what they would look like if they just aged normally?

There are some women who I thought were among the most naturally beautiful when they were younger who are to an extent unrecognizable at times because of all the surgical augmentation and chemical additives to stay young. It baffles me. But I opted to stop coloring my hair and although it will take years for me to grey completely, I know I baffle a lot of women my age for choosing to do this.

And that is the key: how do we define aging today? Is it we are only as old as we feel, or we are controlled and conditioned by what we see around us on television, in magazines and on the Internet?

I see women basically my age trying to dress like their teenage and early twenties daughters. It doesn’t matter to me if they have the bodies or not, sometimes it makes me wince. They look silly at times, and cute is what they are going for. But then I think who am I to judge if it makes them happy? But it’s the whole be who you are thing, and how do they know if they have never seemed to try?

But I guess I don’t get at the end of the day wanting to look eighteen again. I mean eighteen was fun, but in a sense I am having more fun now than then. And why is that? Because at fifty I know who I am for the most part and at eighteen a teenage girl is still trying to figure it all out no matter how self confident they appear to be. It seems that at fifty I give myself more permission than I have in years to be myself.

I haven’t figured it all out and am definitely a work in progress. And I am trying to figure out what being fifty is exactly. So far it’s just another year, and not so bad!

Thanks for stopping by.

keep your joy

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How do you keep your joy? How do you keep your joy in the face of unpleasantness?

It is very true that you cannot control the actions of others, you can only control your own actions and behavior.

As a writer and a blogger I have been a target of unpleasantness. It is nothing new, but that never makes it right. When you write, you are putting yourself out there. You will have fans of your writing as well as the detractors. Sometimes the people are those you know, but a lot of the time they are just strangers.

When people love something I write, or a photo, or a recipe it is such a nice feeling. That is what makes blogging so fun. It’s a very neat connection at times.

I am blessed with meeting some very cool people throughout the years I have been writing. I have also had some unpleasant experiences. The two topics that seem to cause unpleasant experiences always seem to get whittled down to two topics: politics and animal rescue. That is why I don’t write about these two topics very much any more.

One of the newer topics I have touched on a couple of times now, and will continue to cover is cyber bullying and cyber stalking. It’s real, it happens every day. It happens to kids and adults alike. It is an unpleasant side of the Internet.

I have been a victim of this welcome to bizarre-O world behavior for a while now. It began a couple weeks before my 50th birthday. The people doing this to me used to be in my life. They left my life of their own accord years ago. Only they didn’t really leave. They have tracked me via the Internet.

It is sad and disturbing at the same time that these people have nothing better to do. They pore over blog posts looking for ways to twist topics I have written about. They skew and oddly sexualize things. From a psychological perspective it’s obvious they need help, and a lot of it.

For the most part, I ignore the whole thing. You see it is pretty simple why they persist: they are miserably unhappy people who want to steal the joy of others and pervert it. It’s sad and stuck all at the same time. But I can’t control their actions, I can only control my own. And I choose to be the better person in the equation.

But what this experience has done in addition is spurn an interest within me. Cyber bullying and cyber stalking is a very timely topic in this country. Today I read about U.S. Senator Al Franken (D-Minn) and his efforts to do something about cyber stalking.

In a Canadian publication I found the story of a mom crusading for most simply put, respect. You see, her teenage daughter committed suicide after being cyber bullied by a thirty-five year old man.

In The Providence Journal in late May there was a very thoughtful editorial on cyber bullying. The writer points out the high profile cyber bullying cases we hear about are the ones that lead to suicide and so on . Basically, if the case is dramatic and flashy, it gets attention.

The thing is this: I am an adult. I can consider the source and tune it out. My rational mind knows that it is the handiwork of truly messed up people. But not everyone can process cyber bullying pragmatically for lack of a better description, especially in a lot of the cases, the young.

There is a fascinating editorial in the New York Times today. Here is an excerpt:

The Opinion Pages / OP TALK New York Times : Rise of the Internet Hate Machine
By JAKE FLANAGIN JUNE 16, 2014 11:37 AM

Welcome to the age of Internet hate, when “it’s never been easier to send an anonymous death threat,” writes Jack Shafer for Reuters…..The Internet and social media have drastically altered the conventions of traditional bullying, threatening and harassment. Phenomena once thought native to playgrounds and high school locker rooms are now a bug of human interaction through technology — for children, teenagers and adults alike.

Has the Internet made us more hateful? Or has the Internet simply made it easier for us to exercise our in-born spite?…..”I was so puzzled by people who were telling us that anonymity was the reason there was so much vile meanness and attacks online,” said the Canadian journalist Paula Todd in a video interview with the National Post. ….Ms. Todd is the author of “Extreme Mean,” which examines “motives and machinations behind cyber-abuse — tormenting, trolling, harassment, cyber-bullying, stalking, and sexual extortion — and the toll it is taking on children, youth, and adults around the world.”

….In a cover story for the January 2014 issue of Pacific Standard, Amanda Hess relayed her own personal encounter with cyberabuse: a Twitter account set up for the express purpose of issuing threats — like stalking, rape and decapitation — to the popular Slate staff writer. “I felt disoriented and terrified,” she recalls. “Then embarrassed for being scared, and, finally, pissed.” She continued, “headlessfemalepig was clearly a deranged individual with a bizarre fixation on me. I picked up my phone and dialed 911.”….But online misogyny need not always be wielded by men. There are countless examples of women utilizing the Internet and social media to spread hate. …..Women victims of Internet hate also aren’t limited to progressive ideologies. Ms. Hess is a celebrated feminist writer with a largely liberal readership, but conservative women are no less exempt…..

Take the time to read the entire op-ed, it is fascinating. My bringing up cyber bullying on my blog will without a doubt cause a renewed flurry of bullying attempts towards me. I expect it, and I don’t care. Their behavior is theirs to deal with. But this topic of cyber bullying is garnering more attention every day and that is a positive thing.

Even the United States Supreme Court is getting interested in this with regard to Facebook in particular:

Huffington Post Politics: Supreme Court Will Hear Appeal Over Online Threats
| By By SAM HANANEL
Posted: 06/16/2014 10:05 am EDT Updated: 2 hours ago

WASHINGTON (AP) — The Supreme Court will consider the free speech rights of people who use violent or threatening language on Facebook and other electronic media where the speaker’s intent is not always clear.

The court on Monday agreed to take up the case of an eastern Pennsylvania man sentenced to nearly four years in federal prison for posting online rants about killing his estranged wife, shooting up a school and slitting the throat of an FBI agent…..For more than 40 years, the Supreme Court has said that “true threats” to harm another person are not protected speech under the First Amendment. But the court has cautioned that laws prohibiting threats must not infringe on constitutionally protected speech. That includes “political hyperbole” or “unpleasantly sharp attacks” that fall shy of true threats.

The federal statute targeting threats of violence is likely to be used more often in the coming years “as our speech increasingly migrates from in-person and traditional handwritten communication to digital devices and the Internet,” said Clay Calvert, a law professor at the University of Florida.

Calvert, one of several free speech advocates who submitted a legal brief urging the court to use a subjective standard, said people mistakenly seem to feel that they can get away with more incendiary speech on the Internet, in tweets and in texts.

According to the Justice Department, 63 people were indicted on federal charges of making illegal threats in the 2013 fiscal year. That was up from 53 cases the previous year.

At the end of the day, it’s simple: don’t let people steal your joy. You know who you are and so do the people who love and care about you. There are a lot of sad and disturbed individuals on this planet, don’t make their issues yours. Also remember that God don’t like ugly and neither do most individuals with a conscience.

Thanks for stopping by!

real and really sad

Lambs ears

“Knowing what’s right doesn’t mean much unless you do what’s right.” 
~ Theodore Roosevelt 

Cyber bullying is a real thing.  A mom blogger in Texas is experiencing it first hand. A friend who is a blogger told a group I belong to about it. It has even made the news.

Cyberbullying escalates to stalking, death threat  Posted on May 12, 2014 at 10:42 PM

 LEANDER — Like most pre-teens, 11-year-old Julia Young’s tan and purple room is usually covered with posters.

Now it’s empty because Julia, along with her best friend Melody Coffey, is staying somewhere private out of state while their families deal with a case of cyberbullying that has escalated into stalking and even death threats.

“All I want to do as a mother is protect my children, keep them from feeling that fear and feeling that invasion of privacy that they feel now that they will never feel safe again,” said Christine Young, Julia’s mother.

Young tells KVUE the cyberbullying began three months ago with a girl she says was once her daughter’s friend at Stiles Middle School in Leander ISD…..After that things began to escalate online and in school.

“Calling her names, saying I’m going to spread rumors that you’ve slept with all these guys and you’re a whore and a slut. Nobody will want to touch you,” Christine says, regarding the girl’s rumors started about her daughter.

The threats quickly escalated on Instagram and public messages that were going out to any of the kids at school following this account, said Young.

 

It is scary to think this can happen to our kids, isn’t it?

It doesn’t just happen to kids, it happens to adults.  I know, because cyber bullying via social media is happening to me.

I had mentioned a parody of this blog had cropped up.  It has unfortunately evolved into more of a case of adult cyber-bullying than parody.  The suspected architects are those I believe used to be in my life.  They haven’t been for years. Yes, years.   And neither lives in Chester County. I have zero contact with them or desire for contact with them, and will continue to have no contact with them.  Ironically and quite a shame to say, but they left my life (their choice).  Apparently and unknown to me until now they keep tabs on me, which is truly so very sad that this is all they have to do all day. I never would have thought they were such empty and hollow people. I just figured when I went on with my life, so did they.

Every day they put an inordinate amount of time into scouring through anything I have written in the hopes that they can skew it or make it ugly and dirty.  They pepper their  writings with digs at others in my life and negativity about anything and everything. Unfortunately for them, every day it makes them look more sad, more stuck,  and more twisted.  They act as if I am a public figure, when in fact I am just a regular every day person.

Yes, cyber bullying is against the law, but some people feel that this is their God-given right, so it is not my job to dissuade them of that notion. The fact that adults older than I am can spend their days being eaten alive by envy, jealousy and anger is such a shame.  Think of all the good they could do if they used their energy for good or anything positive, right?

Am I upset by all of this? No not really.  I don’t need them for any self-validation and bullies of any age or stage of life are to be pitied.  What they do is a cry for help in their own stagnant and stale lives.  They should be pitied and prayed for. As should anyone dumb enough to buy into what they are desperately trying to peddle.

You see the biggest problem they have is that I am happy.  And no amount of negativity can rob me of that. I choose to share my thoughts and photos and whatnot on this blog, and I will continue to do so.  What is happening also makes me realize how very lucky I am and blessed.

So while I appreciate your concern my dear readers, I am fine.  But you should pray for people who are so unhappy that they do these things. What is that quote about people who love themselves don’t feel the need to hurt others? Sad, but true.

Thanks for stopping by.  Enjoy the beautiful day.

 

 

fifty

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Fifty.

How old that seemed when I was a kid, and now it is just a beginning.

I am a bundle of emotion today I find. It has been quite a journey getting here.

Well, that is what life is, right? It ebbs and flows, changes and evolves.

I am really fortunate and really blessed to have the friends and family I have. I find myself remembering other birthdays I have had. From when I was very little to a few years ago. A veritable potpourri of memories. Kind of cool.

I love where I am now.

In life, we grow and change, and we come full circle. I believe I have come full circle. My late grandmother had a saying – you always come back to what you are from.

How true.

I am where I am supposed to be and who I am supposed to be with. I am lucky enough share my life and birthday with the most amazing of men. I love and I am loved.

Life has many twists and turns and bends in the road. What you thought would be at fifteen or sixteen is completely different by the time you hit your twenties. Then there are the thirties and the forties. Every decade is different, but if you are lucky you have awesome people in your life who see you through every decade.

I have been lucky that way. I have amazing people in my life, and a lot have been there since I was the littlest of girls.

As we go through life people enter and leave our lives. You don’t get to be fifty without that happening. It’s ok and it is part of the cycle of life.

Being fifty is like standing on the edge of something new. You have everything that came before, and now you find yourself looking forward to what lies ahead.

Three years ago and a few weeks before my then birthday, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It made that birthday a little bittersweet and even a little scary. But dealing with that made me really value my life and those in it.

With age comes acceptance. Not that I consider myself old, because I don’t . You learn you can’t be responsible for the actions of others, only your own. You learn (sometimes with difficulty) that things are beyond your control and that you have to believe in God or whatever higher power you choose that it will come out all right in the end.

Today I dedicate my post to my friends and family. You are the ones who lift me up and I want you to know how much you all mean to me. Thank you for being on this journey with me. Cheers to the next phase of life and thank you so much for making my life special.

joy

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What brings you joy? Does your life bring you joy?

My life brings me joy.  I am reminded again this week, how lucky I am.  If you had asked me ten years ago this week if I thought I would be here, I would have had a different answer. But lives change, and through events set into motion now a long time ago, my life is blessedly very different. And to an extent, I am different. And I am glad.

Life experience changes us. It shows us what we like, don’t like, want, don’t want. The past ten years have been a whirlwind. The whirlwind has been a jumble of things: life, loss, love, growth.

But here I am. Ten years older and definitely a little wiser.

As human beings we grow over time. Or that is what the theory is.  There are some who stay stuck, railing at the world instead of moving on with their lives.  Those are people to be pitied as they live stagnant lives imbued with misery.  They hold onto the negative with both fists.  Hard. It’s sad really.  I am very grateful that I am not one of those people, and I don’t have those kinds of people in my life. Life is too short.

And that is the thing of it: we are all only put on this earth for a finite amount of time. As human beings, we aren’t designed to be perfect, and we aren’t.  We learn through age and experience that we can’t control the actions of others, only ourselves.

In June I will be breast cancer free three years.  To me, that is an important milestone. More so than even a birthday. Breast cancer was a harsh, yet necessary teacher in my life.  I learned a lot about myself.  I learned to appreciate life for what it was, and not for what it wasn’t.

Being alive + being loved = joy.  Stepping outside on a beautiful spring day is joy. Everyday life and simple pleasures of the ordinary are joy.

As I get ready to turn fifty, I can see more clearly than I have in years. And I appreciate my life.  I love it and the people in it bring me joy. Truthfully, I wish that for everyone.

“When you rise in the morning, give thanks for the light, for your life, for your strength. Give thanks for the joy of living. If you see no reason to give thanks, the fault lies in yourself.”

~Tecumseh

human nature and all that curiousness

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Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.
~Marcel Proust

Human nature is a curious and quirky thing, is it not? People come in and out of our lives at different times, for different reasons.

How are you when you hear news of people who used to be in your life, but are no longer in your life? Is it from a slightly disinterested, detached position? You are happy for them in a “that’s nice” fuzzy sort of way. They don’t affect your life, aren’t part of it, but it costs nothing to mentally wish someone well, is there?

But what about the life misers? The life misers are those captains of their own destiny who just can’t be happy for anyone’s good fortune no matter what. They have little sense of personal accountability and somehow what happens to them is never their doing, and the world just owes them. These are the people that can’t hear good of anyone without a sharp or unpleasant word. It is exhausting to know these people.

I am a people watcher. Sometimes observing is easier than interacting with difficult people. Sometimes observing is just fun. Sometimes it is somewhat educational.

Then there is that question of when you let people go in your life. And why. Sometimes you just need to close that door permanently , sometimes just for a while. Either way, it is never an easy decision.

Sometimes people leave your life and you know why, other times you are left to put periods on your own sentences, and that is o.k. After all, you can’t see it from your window, right? So if they are gone, why not let them be gone instead of carrying them around like a bunch of mental suitcases?

So when you hear news of these people how do you react? I admit it used to depend on who it was and sometimes it was easier to make a mental voodoo doll. But at the end of the day what does putting that negativity out there do? Besides taking up too much mental air time that is?

The thing is this: karma isn’t just a word. It’s real. So you might as well let it go, right? It’s kind of that whole being grateful thing. And the whole philosophy of when God closes a door he opens a window.

It’s not easy sometimes to just release stuff back to the universe, and let go of things. It’s really hard. I know. But when you take baby steps towards this end, it frees you. After all, who wants to be stuck?

You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

~Steve Jobs

the happiness quotient

20140411-112534.jpgThese are two old snapshots of Vermont taken approximately 25 years ago now. We used to go up there once in a while and stay at my father’s friend Patrick’s house in Bondville. It was a very happy place for all of us and quite beautiful.

Waking up happy is such an amazing feeling, isn’t it? I woke up feeling so much better this morning. It has been three weeks since my surgery, and although I still feel tired, I just feel better today.

I think the weather helps too. It’s spring and the air is that soft yet sweet air that almost is fluffy. And the birds trill in the mornings. It’s ever so different from waking up on a winter’s morning because I think we all just had too much of winter this winter. It went from being a winter wonderland of new fallen snow to “when is this stuff going to melt?” Didn’t it?

Happy is an elusive thing at times, yet so basic. We all want to be happy, but we don’t always reach happy, or it is fleeting. But does it have to be fleeting? I don’t think so.

Part of being happy is loving and being loved. Part of it is being grateful for what you have and owning who you are.

Being happy isn’t pretending. Pretending is imagining a possibility to some, but to others it is a non-acceptance of reality. Pretense takes all forms, and you have to feel for the great pretenders you meet. They are obsessed with stuff and not substance. Or they pretend because their reality is too just hard for themselves. Unfortunately, to me, their view of the world is narrow, and they always think the rest of us can’t see them as they really are, but we do see them with their life underwear hanging out. That is sad.

Happiness comes with contentment and a sense of belonging and place I think. I have that. I wake up loving who I am with, where I am, and the woman I am becoming. I say “becoming”, because I believe we continue to evolve as people as we age.

Do I have self-doubt at times? Sure. I think we all do if we are honest. But the thing is now I can also see myself reflected in the eyes of someone who truly loves me for who I am, not who they think I should be. There is a big difference there.

I also think part of being happy is being with people who are happy and happy with you.

I hate to look back, but sometimes I do because not for anything else, it makes me truly appreciate where I am now. It’s not like my prior life with the ex factor was all bad, it wasn’t. But in retrospect, when you are with a glass half-empty person who always seems angry and of the mind set “the world owes them” versus a glass half-full person with a positive and peaceful outlook in the long term it makes a big difference. A friend once upon a time said God did a lift out on my life to give me the life I should have. I can’t disagree, and I am grateful. I am also grateful because for a while I found myself becoming a glass half-empty person. I did not like that person in me or in others.

We all come from something and somewhere, and we have to own that. But we can’t let past unhappy rule our futures, right? Isn’t it more positive to learn from what has occurred in the past and just move on? And I say that as someone who has worked hard to learn and let go. But then I realized a few months ago I actually had learned to let some stuff go, and I found that really peaceful.

Women are wired to hold onto stuff, and I am not perfect (nor do I pretend to be), but seriously? I feel different about myself and being positive and happy and grateful is actually real. Yet, at the same time I accept I am a work in progress. Some days will always be better than others, but the thing is this, believing in better being possible and being happy actually makes things better.

There are some we will encounter in our lives who we will bring into our worlds, and share our lives with for a while who will always hold part of themselves back. There are just some people who don’t share in return and part of them will always be that combination of stuck and selfish. You can’t change them, you aren’t responsible for them. Leave them to their states of envy and dissatisfaction. Life is too short to waste air space on those people. There will always be people richer than you, poorer than you, bigger house, smaller house, fatter, thinner, and so on. Why not just be grateful for what you have and be happy? I have said it before, but it is true , that it really took experiencing and having breast cancer to start to free me as a person and begin to change my perspective in some regards.

I think we learn from the people in our lives. The ones who stay, the ones who leave our lives for whatever reason, and those who are short term blips on the radar.

Maybe people will find this post too much and too zen. Yes, I think a lot, and this is what I woke up thinking about. Maybe that is why I like to write so much. Writing makes me happy and I used to feel so guilty about that. Why? Because I made the mistake of listening to someone once who said my writing was just self-aggrandizement. Well it’s not. It is part of who I am. (And in my head I feel my mother somewhere smiling at the 12 year old me who screamed at her and said “I hate writing! I never want to be a writer!”)

Writing and photography are the ways I express myself. Both skills do indeed make me happy and I work hard at both. There will always be those more talented than I, and I am quite o.k. with that. Life isn’t a competition, we all have our place in it.

Part of being happy is liking who you are as a human being. Some days that is not easy. I have been a partial being of not so happy since my surgery. A lot of that had to do with the physical pain post surgery and the hum of exhaustion that rules your body after a few hours of surgery. You just feel miserable. You don’t mean to, don’t want to, it just is. But today, I woke up and just felt happy and more like myself. Like I had turned a corner, so it made me think about happiness.

Spring is a great season to think about things like what makes you happy and what being happy is. Spring is a season of renewal, is it not?

In a little over a month I will be 50 years old. It’s funny I remember being 18 and about 21 and wondering what the 50 year old me would be like. I remember at the time not really being able to picture it because to an 18 and then 21 year old, it just seemed so old. The reality is it is not so old, not so bad. It’s looking forward to the next chapter of my life.

The reality of turning 50 isn’t about someone throwing you a big birthday party, it’s an acceptance of sorts of knowing who you are as a person. And liking your life, being happy, being loved. It’s about realizing is where the grass is always greener is in your own back yard. Not someone else’s.

Thank you for joining me on this slightly flowing, slightly rambling stream of consciousness. Be happy and find your magic in everyday life.

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