redefining happiness

Posted on January 27, 2014 by carla

Took this love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
And can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Oh oh I don’t know, oh I don’t know

~Lyrics by Stevie Nicks “Landslide” / Fleetwood Mac

I love Stevie Nicks and Fleetwood Mac. Always have. “Landslide” is one of those songs I have loved and loved well for years. It is also one of those lyrical and interpretive songs that I think takes on new meaning every time you listen to it. Landslide was released in 1975. I think I first became really aware of the song around 1980 or 1981.

What it triggers in me today as a thoughts process is completely different from when I first heard it. When I first heard the song I was dancing on the edge of my life between being a teenager and trying to become an adult. Now I am an adult, and my life has changed a great deal (for the better) in the past few years. This is the year I turn 50, and my personal happiness is greatly redefined, so this song has new meaning yet again.

That all being said, there always has been a constant about this song. To me the constant has been the question of what is happy and how do you handle life. Or at least I think so.

I sometimes think it is unfair to ask someone if they are happy. Not because it is a bad thing, but because it is such a loaded question. Being happy at 14 is different from being happy at 18, which is different when you hit 21, and so it goes from there until all of a sudden you are looking at 50. And face it, do you remember being a teenager and hearing someone was 50 years old? (Laugh out loud now, it’s o.k.)

As you get older you can’t help but wonder (if you are honest with yourself) “am I happy, or am I settling to be happy?” Or the more simplified life question of “what is happy?”

It has taken me until the past few to be able to say I am happy with my whole heart. It took a lot to get here.

Face it, human beings are a work in progress. Each experience has its own learning curve and living life out loud is not without the occasional bumps in the road and path deviations. I have learned that it is all what you do with the bumps and path deviations.

In a sense I feel I have come full-circle. I am with someone I went to high school with. We never dated back then, were aware of one and other, shared many friends. We traveled in similar, yet different circles. He was a boy I was just friends with in high school.

Yet as an adult when I realized I was falling in love with him, I felt like I was coming full-circle and my heart was coming home to entirely where it should be. Yet I knew if I had not had my life before us, we wouldn’t have found our “us.” I also feel that falling in love with someone who knew you when you really weren’t even a fully formed person is a big bonus. And no, it doesn’t have to make sense to you, it does however make its own sense to me. With him, I am truly home.

So here we are, and we are in our life together. Am I happy? Yes. Almost dizzyingly so at times. Some days it just bubbles up within me. I laugh at the silliest things. There is more of a lightness of spirit. I feel free and well-loved.

What is happy? So many things. Happy is the sight of a sleeping child curled up in a quilt. Happy is watching dogs frolic. Happy is hearth, home, garden. Happy is knowing you love and are loved. Happy is knowing you can trust. Happy is being able to be yourself freely. Happy is being able to share this with friends and family. Happy is living in Chester County. There is more to happy, but you catch my drift. Happy is being happy and content in your own life.

Being happy can have bittersweet moments, however. I have written before about the transition from the Main Line to Chester County. I joke when I say some people act like I moved to Iowa or Minnesota, but it is true. A lot of people I called friend have made my transition with me. We no longer see each other as often, but I know they are there. I am making new friends as well. And I have also, oddly enough, rediscovered some earlier childhood friends that I so enjoyed way back when. It is pretty cool meeting them again as adults and I am enjoying that as well.

But. (There always is a “but” isn’t there?)

There are some people who haven’t made the life transition. Not through any disagreement or earth shattering we-are-finished kind of moments, but from the simple and slightly sad evaporating kind of way. It’s sad, and disappointing and once in a while, hard.

I had this one friend I met through our parents. It was like an instant kinship. For years we were inseparable. We lived close to each other and she was the girlfriend you connected with every day. But she is one of those people who for good or bad, fades in and out of people’s lives. I noticed that about her when she was planning her wedding. After her wedding, she evaporated on me for the first time. That lasted a few years. There was no fight, there was no explanation. It just was. And it was hard, and it hurt.

Then one day she was back. Just back and we picked up the strings of friendship like no time had elapsed. We shared a lot more together. But I never had a defining answer as to why she disappeared out of my life. And in that particular lack of friend heart to heart, I knew if it happened again I would probably just be done. Not in a mean way. Just as in this isn’t working for me kind of way.

We did so much together. We lived around the corner from one and other for many years. I could literally walk out of my door and be having coffee in her kitchen in less than two minutes.

Then I moved. The irony is she was one of the biggest champions of my moving my life out here to be with my sweet man. And out of all of my friends I swear she wanted to see me “settled” more so than even my own mother. This is my friend who thought it was fun to just try on wedding dresses even if you had no plans in that direction.

The evaporation this time was over time. Too busy to return calls, making excuses for why we couldn’t get together. She is also my friend who I feel has been swallowed by the born again Christian of it all.

All of a sudden there was no time to hang out, but she went to all these bible study and religious based events. Even road trips to bible conferences for lack of a better description. She wanted the balance she seemed to get out of religious involvement, so I tried not to judge. Religion filled up her empty spaces. All of a sudden her hours were filled by all of these new people a lot of us didn’t know and hadn’t met. Did I think it made her happy? To this day I am not sure. I am only sure that she was trying to make herself happy, and you can’t fault another human being for that.

The last time we had an actual conversation was last spring. Before her child’s birthday, which precedes my own birthday. She was asking me questions about what she should do for the child’s upcoming birthday and who she was inviting to the party. It was one of those conversations when you find yourself calming listening and feeling almost not so nice inside.

My issue with this conversation was simple: she and her child and her husband had been part of the last two birthday parties of my child. She is a person who stores a lot by the manners of others, and yet, although my child didn’t care nor miss birthday parties they had never known had happened, I missed those parties for them. If that makes sense. That really irritated me so when I got off the phone I thought to myself I needed a little break. Because other conversations had contained things I didn’t get. Only after that I never heard from her again.

As time has passed I have made peace for the most part with acceptance that she was just one of those people you meet who has a finite presence in your life and then it’s over. But once in a while I will see something or hear something and think I would like to tell her and then I remember she isn’t part of my life any more. And that at times is like ripping the scab off an old wound. And then the feeling passes. And as time passes, it gets easier and easier. In a sense as you get older you just recognize the transient nature of some people. It’s not a good or bad feeling, it is just a sort of bittersweet it-just-is part of life.

I recently saw her in a couple of photos of some party someone else I know attended. For the first time I felt sort of detached looking at the photos. We had some great times together, but now she has her life and I have mine. The one thing I noticed in the photos is her smile is different. Her smile used to light her whole being up. It would reach her eyes if that made sense. Now it is just more of a smile for the camera.

I hope she is happy. I know I am happy. And I know what happy is now. I didn’t really know what happy was before, even if I wasn’t unhappy per se. I guess more than anything I was less complete if that makes sense.

It’s one of those life puzzles. You have to be able to grow to be happy, but when you grow you find at times that not everyone makes the same journey with you. And you also have to learn to more accepting and forgiving of yourself as a human being to begin to attain adult happiness.

Well this brings another rambling stream of consciousness to a close. Do I post this? I don’t see why not. After all, part of being human is being able to talk about things.

Life is a journey. A journey is an evolution. Life is also precious. Don’t waste it. Find your happy.

pecking order

Posted on January 25, 2014 by carla

the pecking order

I chose this bird photo (above) I took this morning because it embodies the phrase “pecking order” to me for some reason. And the way my mind works, “pecking order” relates to something my friends and I have been talking about in relation to our kids in school.

The pecking order I am referring to doesn’t have to do with kids, but in fact the adults in the equation, the parents.

As someone relatively new to the parenting game of life I really had no awareness for years of parents groups like PTAs, parents’ associations, booster clubs, school Facebook pages, message boards, and so on and so forth. But now I am acutely aware of them and have been observing them here and there like a sociology experiment.

When I wasn’t a parent I was told by some that I shouldn’t have an opinion when it comes to things about schools, general parent-based groups, school boards, and so on. Now that I am a parent (or parent-in-training) I am sometimes told I shouldn’t ask so many questions or have an opinion because I am so new at the game. I could get angry at this, but mostly I am just amused. But I do know people who move through their childrens’ schools as mute foot soldiers to avoid dealing with these issues. Personally I am wondering how we can learn if we aren’t supposed to ask questions at times.

However, what truly amazes me and those I talk with about this is how groups which can do so much GOOD for a school and for kids can also twist into something almost unpleasant at times where the adults are concerned – it’s all the things you think we as adults left behind in high school but it’s almost like the behavior patterns are reincarnated at times. It’s like the lunch room and school yard cliques that once reigned supreme are resurrected.

For me, as someone new to this fray, I find even observing this behavior as distasteful as I did when I was a tween and teen. It also can be like observing where bullying comes from. How can we teach children not to be bullies when some adults have still not learned that lesson?

As an adult you are supposed to be able to embrace the spirit of individuality, yet even as adults when we become part of a group, individuality to an extent is quashed.

I want my child to be able to appreciate the differences in others because I simply believe to expand your horizons and grow you need to learn to appreciate the differences in others. Mind you I am not talking about destructive or dangerous behavior, just embracing a world where everyone is not just a cookie cutter of the person standing next to them. I figure we have enough of that going on already with the cookie cutter developments taking root throughout every community with a spare inch available. Or, just because the houses all look the same it doesn’t mean we have moved to Stepford.

As an adult, I will question something if I don’t understand it or if I think something is wrong. Yet with a lot of these groups we absolutely can’t discuss and question things like adults, but conversely we morph once again into school kids in the lunchroom glomming up into cliques.

No one leads such a perfect life that they should be able to judge another person via snap judgment. Yet it is human nature that we all have been guilty of that.

But unfortunately this is how kids learn about all sorts of things including how newness and individuality is perceived, and where bullying comes from.

People are different, and what I have learned in this new aspect of the adult world is that there are a lot of people out there that even as adults expect you to be just like them and don’t know how to deal with individuality.

And I hate to say it, but sometimes I see it more pronounced in school related groups like PTAs and committees for fundraisers and sports boosters and arts boosters and so on. And (again) it’s all the nonsense you think we as adults left behind in high school but it’s almost like the behavior patterns are reincarnated. The irony is all these people are coming together with the same common goal: the betterment of the lives of kids in school. But since life is cyclical, behavioral patterns can be too I suppose.

There is a definite pecking order, and deviating from the comfort level of some causes drama. One of my friends told me the story of carnival at the school of one of her children. She tells me how she goes all ready in blue jeans and sneakers and a comfy sweater all prepared to help. She is greeted by a mom Nazi complete with walkie-talkie and a clip board. From what I was told apparently most army generals had nothing on her.

The irony and utter humor was of course I remember that woman from when she was a teen. She was the girl who always had high drama at every party with her boyfriends. I can still see her running around either barefoot at a party in tears or being booted from some dark corner in a state of questionable undress. And there she is today, queen of the PTA with a walkie-talkie and a clipboard.

Some people for whatever reason seem to have a narrow view of life or are utterly rules based. But where are the allowances for grey areas?

I believe interaction and discussion is the pathway to building stronger relationships and so on.

But what I am discovering is that a lot of those parents in these groups are not only judgmental, they are kind of mean at times. The world is enough of a cruel place so why can’t we just be nicer to each other?

I have friends with children who have special needs. These are my friends with literally the patience of Job. These are the people whom others always feel the need to tell how to parent and raise their kids.

I know someone else who told me of a Girl Scout or maybe it was a Brownie troop leader. A little girl wanted desperately to belong to this one particular troop because all her friends were in it. But this troop leader found the girl’s mother NOCD (“not our class darling”). Here was this person, an adult, who couldn’t look past the mean girl of it all. But that is the thing about mean girls that I have discovered: they never quite grow up they just get older.

To a lot of you, this is nothing new. You have been seeing and dealing with things like this for years. But again, to me, it is all somewhat a brave new world. Maybe I look at things at times in an over-hopeful or over-simplified manner. Maybe I ask too many questions or speak out where others are silent. But how are we to learn if we sanitize everything and can’t discuss much of anything?

But while education in a sense has increased with the ability to choose more or better for our children regardless of public, private, parochial, or charter schools, the one thing that hasn’t changed in a lot of cases are the age-old issues with parents. There are always going to be adults that think they know more than their peer group. It’s just human nature. I accept that.

And in the midst of it all, I often see these brilliant kernels of hope. Often the children are kinder than the parents.

Just as we can teach our children, we can learn from them as well. The world is often not a pretty place, but it is not one without hope and brilliance.

All we are, we are

All we are, we are

And every day is the start of something beautiful

~ Matt Nathanson, lyrics “All we are”

sigh….mommy d.u.i…….again

Posted on December 6, 2013 by carla

On the Main Line, it is once again Mommy DUI groundhog day. Yes, another Mommy DUI. Karin Linde of Bala Cynwyd. I believe Walt Hunter said in his interview on CBS3 that she is around 32.

Now I will note from jump that this mommy does not fit the socially upwardly mobile mold of the two other Main Line DUI mommies Meredith Williams-Earle and Grace Tuten. Same area, similar age range, but this one is a repeat DUI offender (see uploaded court docket “Linde prior.”) This was the Olive Garden DUI mommy of 2011 that was in Patch. At that time, Bala Patch reported she blew a 0.38 blood-alcohol content, nearly five times the legal limit.

I took a major amount of guff from some when I wrote about the last Main Line Mommy DUI, but let’s fill you in on this current one before we circle back to my thoughts on this topic.

CBS 3: EXCLUSIVE: Another Main Line Mom Charged With DUI Crash With Child In The Car

December 6, 2013 3:51 PM

(Watch video HERE)

By Walt Hunter

VILLANOVA, Pa. (CBS) – A 32-year-old mother faces drunk driving and child endangerment charges after police say she plowed into the rear of a car Thursday night in Villanova, causing a chain-reaction crash. Officers found her 5-year-old son in the backseat.

Only CBS3 cameras were there as Linde was taken to Montgomery County Prison in lieu of $7,500 bail. …According to an arrest warrant, an officer “asked Linde if she had been drinking and she stated, ‘Well,ya.’ Then, according to the warrant, when asked to submit to a field sobriety test, she responded by “stating she was ‘smashed’ and that she in no way should be operating a motor vehicle.”

One other driver in the crash was treated for injuries. Linde’s 5-year-old son was not hurt, but police say he was not restrained in a booster….

Court records show Linde pleaded guilty to drunk driving and causing a serious injury crash following a 2007 accident.

Linde is the third mother charged with driving drunk and crashing her vehicle with her child in the backseat in the past four months in Lower Merion.

When I commented before on this topic I said that I feared an epidemic of these DUI mommies was brewing.

I will ask some of the same questions I asked before:

What has gone wrong here? How do families not know if someone is having issues? Do that many people really in this day and age routinely drive around comfortably numb? And who exactly let her get behind the wheel of a car? Who lets an intoxicated young mother get behind the wheel of a car with a child in the back seat?

This woman Karin Linde is a repeat offender. With these new charges (see Linde 2013 ) she went to jail. They reported that her husband has the child. Thank goodness, I guess. Except if she is a repeat offender, how is it she is allowed to drive anyone around, let alone drive herself?

I will say it again that to me this is an alarming issue. And with now multiple incidents (different women) to hit the news a couple of months apart , I will state again that I truly see this as an issue.

But if we are honest, by varying degrees this is not a new issue. It’s just not one discussed in public as much as whispered down the lane.

Once again, I want to try to show these women compassion. But if I am brutally honest, with this one I am having a hard time doing so. Why? Because this woman seems to have “oops, done it again” and wow, when do you stop? When does the being a mother gene kick in?

Alcoholism is an awful disease. I have friends who have been “in the program” for years. Including now not so young moms. Some have been successful working their programs, others not so much.

When I wrote my last post in November on this sad topic I didn’t just catch hell from mommy bloggers who did not like me writing about this or mentioning these women by name (even if the media and law enforcement already “outed” them by name and location), I received a lot of off-line feedback from women who had experienced issues with alcohol and/or had been a child of one or more alcoholic parents. They thanked me for talking about it. And shared some heart wrenching stories of their own. I won’t betray those confidences, but I applaud them for being brave and dealing with it.

Some people with alcohol issues never hit the bottom to stop, some do. They have to want it. You have to want to get better.

Tonight, nineteen days before Christmas a young mother from the Main Line sits in jail unable to post bail. Somewhere, someone is undoubtedly trying to help her 5-year-old make sense of all of it. Can you imagine being that child? Accident, noise, mahem, sirens….mom being taken away in the back of a police car.

My heart aches for the children of these people. The littlest and almost silent victims.

And no parent wants to judge another parent, but my word this is hard to wrap my head around. I guess at the end of the day I don’t get how you put the alcohol first, child last.

Here is hoping something good happens for this latest DUI mommy. But I am sorry, this one seems like more of a train wreck, given past acts.

She could have killed quite a few people including herself and her child.

the bittersweet season

Posted on December 4, 2013 by carla

Twenty years ago today my sister got married. December 4, 1993. On December 22, 2010 my brother- in-law died only about three weeks after a diagnosis of peritoneal mesothelioma, a rare form of cancer of the abdominal lining.

That added with the death of my father eight years ago November 13 makes the joyous Christmas season a little bittersweet as well.

Both my father and late brother- in -law loved the holidays. They both loved decking the proverbial halls with amazing Christmas decorations and entertaining friends and family.

I have memories of my father winning some holiday decorating award when I was little in the Society Hill section of Philadelphia. It was for exterior door spray decorations he had made from greens and fruit and ribbons.

I like to bake, and for years my cookies were my contribution to family Christmas meals. I can still hear both of their voices in my head talking about cookies.

As a matter of fact, the last time I had heard from my brother-in – law was an email sent by him from the hospital in Pittsburgh where they had sent him from NYC to treat his cancer. The message was short. It said simply “save me some Christmas cookies.” Two days later he was gone. That was the only year in my entire life I burned multiple batches of cookies.

The bittersweet season gets a little easier as years pass but still there are inevitable “moments” when my eyes just well up with tears. Like now as I am writing this.

I know some people after they experience loss don’t want to decorate or even acknowledge certain holidays, but I think you just have to. Especially if these people who are no longer with us loved the holiday season.

This year will be a little teary for me as I am hosting Christmas for my family for the first time. I used to do Christmas Eve every now and then, but never Christmas Day.

I remember my first Christmas tree after my father died as being crazy hard to put up. We all have so many funny memories of decorating trees with my father.

When I was really little and we lived in the Society Hill section of Philadelphia we had twelve or fourteen foot ceilings (I forget precisely how tall), so we got a really tall tree every year. I remember going with my father as a little, little girl down to freight yard railroad tracks somewhere near South Philadelphia to pick out a tree. I remember one snowy Christmas I wasn’t sure we would get the tree home- it was the 1960s and my parents’ car at the time was a red VW bug!

Decorating a tree with my father was a process with a capital “P”. He would lay out the boxes of ornaments and they went up in a specific order according to size and shape. His trees always had an amazing balance to them.

Well all except for the year we got the tree with what my mother called “spinal meningitis.” You see, we didn’t realize the tree had a curve in the trunk.

And then there was the year that Kitty Joy our big red orange tabby REALLY got into the catnip stockings early. First she skidded up and down the front hallway and then we found her at the top of the Christmas tree, celebrating with what only could be described as a “load on”!

Of course the largest family joke, was when would the Christmas tree actually come down? One year I swear my father left it up until Valentine’s Day.

From the time I was a little, little girl, I have all these fantastic memories of Christmas. I think somewhere I might also have still some of the notes from Santa that my father wrote with his opposite hand after dutifully devouring the plate of cookies and milk my sister and I put out for many many years. I also have vague memories of being posed with my sister in front of the Christmas tree every year.

When we became adults, and after my sister had married, I also have memories of those Christmases. I remember all the years of when my niece and nephew were really little of trying to keep them out of the presents before Christmas morning. Can’t blame them there, as I was a closet present shaker when I was little. I was just more stealth about it.

I have memories of my brother-in-law when my sister and he moved to New York coming into their kitchen with some bags loaded down with presents, and other bags loaded down with the most fabulous cheeses and holiday snacks. I can see him in my mind’s eye bustling around their kitchen island putting things away, getting things out, combined with his laughter and the joyful shouts of my niece and nephew excited that the father was home.

I have a few friends who will be facing Christmas this year with the loss of parents for the first time (we are getting to “that age”) and I know it will be hard for them. But I hope they truly celebrate the season as I believe that is what their parents would have wanted. And if the tears come, let them flow, but remember the happy and not the sad.

Keep good memories alive by keeping traditions intact.

So slowly, bit by bit, Christmas is creeping in. And although I am feeling a bit of the bittersweet season upon me, I won’t stop because these family members who are no longer with us made the holidays magical and special.

So people might laugh at my love of vintage Christmas ornaments and my childlike glee of decorating. Or think I’m a little nutty to make a Christmas wreath almost every year, but these are the traditions instilled within me that keep the Christmas- loving child inside of me alive.

And although life can get bittersweet like an O. Henry Christmas story, there is no trading it in.

Thanks for stopping by today.

so I made a wreath…

Posted on December 3, 2013 by carla

It’s December! Christmas decorations can make their 2013 Christmas season debut!

I made a wreath yesterday.

Including the wreath form it cost me $6.51.

How?

Gently used and vintage Christmas decorations is how.

Yesterday I made a stop at Resellers Consignment Gallery on Route 30 in Frazer. In the front of the store as you walk in there is a jumble of gently and not so gently used Christmas decorations . These decorations include ornaments, ribbon, pinecones, wreath fixings, you name it. You have to dig through, and I hope you’ll dig gently if you go, so you don’t break things for the next person.

Hanging up throughout the store you will notice, much as is the case at places like the Smithfield Barn in Downingtown, there are also artificial Christmas wreaths galore. The wreath I found (plain and unadorned) was 25% off, and if you’re in the market for an artificial tree, they are loaded with them at Resellers – big trees, not the table-top variety.

Everything that went on my wreath except for the florist wire, came from Resellers yesterday. And yes, everything cost me $6.51. I also believe that I could make a wreath for just about the same amount if not less from fixings at the Smithfield Barn.

My point is simple: you can decorate for Christmas on a budget. There are enough people in this world that jettison Christmas decorations on a regular basis, that if you look at places like Resellers, Smithfield barn, thrift shops, church sales, and so on you can find pretty much everything you need.

The only thing I do not buy it any of these places are used or vintage lights. I am not an electrician, so I have no clue what is in good condition or not.

Decorating for Christmas just puts you in the mood to get a little holiday spirit. And yes, I have inside wreaths and outside wreaths and I don’t do it all every year, I tend to rotate my ornaments and decorations.

If you put your Christmas decorations away carefully, they can and do last. I put artificial and pinecone wreaths on hangers in my attic covered with big clear trash bags. If it is a year where I am making a natural wreath out of fresh greenery, I removed the ribbons and decorations that can be salvaged at the end of Christmas and put them away as well.

I am a fumble fingers with a hot glue gun, so the only thing that go on my wreaths are things that I can wire on with florist wire.

I don’t want to put specialty stores or craft stores out of business, but there are a lot of Christmas decorations that you can source quite reasonably and a gently used or vintage condition.

I like to do what I consider tasteful decorating for Christmas. I don’t do a million lights and inflatable things on the front lawn. I mean no disrespect to those who chose to do this Griswold Family Christmas style of decorating, but truly I do not need my decorations to be able to be seen from space!

Fun fact: I had an uncle that when I was a child that used to go to little overboard with Christmas decorations, including music being piped from the roof. Loudly. And this was before National Lampoon and Chevy Chase made overboard Christmas decorating so infamous.

You won’t find anything adorned in my home before December. Some years I get things up early in December, other years it’s a couple weeks into the month before I begin.

I also really try hard not to overwhelm my rooms. I look at it the way Coco Chanel looked at jewelry: she had a famous quote about taking one piece of jewelry off after you are dressed and about to walk out the door.

Have any of you begun decorating? What is your favorite thing to do?

Also if any of you know of any church sales or fleamarkets or Christmas festivals coming up with a gently used Christmas ornaments and other holiday things for sale, feel free to leave a comment.

t2

Posted on December 1, 2013 by carla

Do you ever “T2” during Thanksgiving weekend? I do.

T2 is basically a second Thanksgiving dinner. I do this when friends and family have been scattered to the four winds for the actual Thanksgiving holiday. If I have a free turkey to use, and I’m not cooking the actual holiday dinner, I like to do another dinner at some point in the weekend basically so I can have Thanksgiving leftovers.

I am pretty much a traditionalist when it comes to a Thanksgiving -type meal. I make my own cranberry sauce, it takes so little time. I also make my own herbed stuffing cubes. I know it sounds anal, but I don’t like all the sodium and additives in the seasoned stuffing mix that you can buy in the grocery store.

Basically you preheat the oven to 400°. You take a loaf of inexpensive potato bread, whole wheat bread, or plain old white bread and chop it up into about 1 inch cubes. It’s not an exact science you know what you like when you do it. I like potato bread for stuffing the best unless I make a baker’s sheet pan of cornbread for stuffing.

I put a piece of parchment paper on the bottom of a baker’s sheet pan. This pan is one of those ones that looks like basically a cookie sheet with a lip, and it is aluminum and heavy. I put the cubes on top of the parchment paper and give them a quick spritz with canola oil cooking spray. I do not soak them. Then I sprinkle whatever herbs and garlic powder I am going to use for my stuffing. Generally speaking I use savory herbs: rosemary, sage, thyme and so on. I might even throw a couple dashes of sweet paprika in.

Next turn off the oven. Yes, you heard me correctly, turn it off. Throw the cubed bread and with the herbs on top in the heated oven and literally ignore it for a few hours. Once everything has dried out and gone cold in a closed oven, I throw it into a Ziploc bag. I do this a day ahead of time.

T2 also gets a pie. This year it’s my pumpkin pie, with a praline surprise in the bottom. All it is is a piecrust unbaked in a deep dish pie dish. I like the vintage Pyrex ones that I can get at church sales, tag sales, thrift shops.

The pie filling is basically the recipe on the small can of Libby unsweetened pumpkin, but I add one more egg. They call for two I use three.

The “praline” aspect is simple: the day before I make my pie I take a couple tablespoons of butter and throw it in an 8 inch sauté pan. To that I throw a small handful of pecans and walnuts. They can be halves or they can be chopped. Your choice but I like the halves. To that I had a small handful of raisins. I used green raisins I got from the Indian grocery store this time. They’re great in curries and even better in pies. I add cinnamon, fresh ginger, cardamom, and a few tablespoons of turbinado sugar. I cook everything up until the point the sugar and butter caramelized together. Then I turn off the heat. Once everything has cooled off a bit, I spoon the stuff into a storage container and allow it to cool completely before putting the container lid on. Incidentally this is another thing I do the day before. The pie filling however, I do the morning I bake.

This morning, I whipped up the pie filling, did my piecrust and lined my pie plate with the crust. Before I poured the pie pumpkin mixture into the pie shell.

The bottom of the pie shell I then lined with my nutty praline mixture I made yesterday. I baked my pie at 425° the first 15 minutes, then reduced it to 350° for almost an hour today. When you add things like nuts or extra things to the pumpkin mixture, it takes more time. But you keep an ion it because you don’t want to burn your pie or overcook it.

The picture that opens this post, is my actual pie that I will be serving for dinner this evening.

The stuffing for the turkey will have baby Portabella mushrooms, onions, celery and other good things. Even a few crumpled strips of cooked bacon.

I will serve a hardy green salad that has a mixture of Romain, arugula, spinach, baby kale, and other greens. I will also do whipped sweet potatoes made with carrots and maple syrup. To the sweet potatoes I will add a dash of pepper flakes to give it a little heat. I will also serve on the side a small dish of the pickled beets I put up earlier this fall.

Early on the morning I am cooking the turkey, after my pie in the oven, I chop up the onion and celery and whatever needs to going to my stuffing cover the bowl with saran wrap and toss it in the refrigerator. It saves if you do a little prep time ahead of time.

When my guests arrive late this afternoon , I will serve them and assorted cheese platter of cheeses from Yellow Springs Farm. Because Catherine Renzi’s cheeses are goat milk-based, a lot of people will put out something like a fig preserve to have with the cheese. It’s that whole sweet and savory thing. I however, have decided to be different, and I will be serving my cheese with a tiny ramekin of apple butter on the side to use instead of sick preserves. It’s the apple butter I made a few weeks ago.

I set my table with real linens. All the linens I have, I have scored from church sales, flea markets, thrift shops, and eBay. You can get that Rich holiday feel without breaking the bank. And it is so worth it to use a good tablecloth. And quite frankly the vintage ones have more depth and substance to the fabric that a lot of the modern ones.

Except for the china plates my Great Aunt Josie left for me, everything that is on my table has been sourced from places like thrift shops, the Smithfield Barn, church sales, estate sales, and flea markets.

The actual turkey platter, is one of those metal ones created by several companies including Lenox that I scored for $30 last year at Frazer antiques.

All you have to do is look in magazines and online and on HGTV to get ideas on how to set a holiday table. Truly, it is not rocket science, and even with kids you can do this. And even with kids, you can set the table with nice glasses and plates. My mother did it with my sister and I, and I think she was spot on with giving kids a special feel for holiday meals and not sticking them with plastic utensils and plates and cups.

Okay, I have a bunch of things to do in the kitchen for T2 so you all enjoy your Sundays. I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend. Remember, the Smithfield barn is open this afternoon for a few more hours if you were looking for some holiday bargains.

starched curtains.

Posted on November 27, 2013 by carla

The smell of ironing and starching linens, is something that just takes me back. I have memories of both my mother and maternal grandmother from the time I was a little girl starching and ironing linens. The sound of the iron going back-and-forth over cloth (swish, swish), combined with the sweet steamy smell of ironing and starching.

My mother loves to iron old linens, and I do too. And also as much as I hate to admit it, there is something to be said about the look of crisp and freshly pressed anything. And I say that fully acknowledging the fact that as a child I often thought my mother was going to starch things so much we would never be able to move!

So here I am the day before Thanksgiving, and I decided I needed to starch and iron a couple of sets of café curtains and a bunch of linen napkins and guest towels.

As I stood there on this grey and rainy day and ironed, my mind wandered. Ironing is such a peaceful task, and as my mind wandered, I started thinking of holiday seasons past and those who are no longer with us.

Specifically my late father and brother-in-law. Both of them loved the holidays and loved to entertain. So it is really hard to NOT think of them at this time of year.

As I kept on ironing, my mind wandered to Thanksgivings past. Some of my favorite when I was little with the ones we spent with the Cullen family. And then as we got older, for many years my sister and brother in law took over the task.

I also took the time to contemplate many things I am thankful and grateful for.

I am thankful for my family. It is amazing how different a few years makes your life, and I love my little family unit and my home and my sweet man and my stepson.

I never was able to have children of my own, so the blessings of having a stepson is a very big deal to me.

I am thankful and grateful to be breast cancer free for almost exactly 2 1/2 years. The official 2 1/2 year mark is December 1st.

I am thankful and grateful for my friends both old and new. I have many friends that I’ve had since I was a little girl, and for that I am very grateful because I know how easy it is for people to grow apart. And in that vein, I am thankful that I have been able to learn how to let some people in my life go.

Why? Because moving from one area to another, even though I only moved an hour away (if that), has been a sometimes bittersweet experience these past couple of years. It is really hard when people who were basically in your life on a daily basis seem to evaporate over a little bit of distance. It hurts, truthfully. But I really believe in that old adage of God closes a window and opens the door.

And in the past few years, God has opened a lot of doors for me. I know some of you are scratching your head right now because I don’t usually get religious on anyone. I generally keep my beliefs and what not to myself.

But tomorrow for most of us begins a very spiritual and often holy time of year between all these holidays which occur between Thanksgiving and New Years. So somehow I think it is only fitting to acknowledge that higher power, no matter how it is exactly you believe.

As I look around, I know there are many who are far worse off than any of us this holiday season. Try to remember them.

Donate to food banks whenever and wherever you can during this holiday season. If any of the churches are having clothing drives and you have things that you can donate, I would also suggest that. We are officially in the season of warm coats, and some people go without them.

Above all else, appreciate the life blessings you have, and let the rest go. I know that is easier said than done in a lot of cases, but Thanksgiving also marks the beginning of a quite beautiful season. So believe in the magic. It does exist if you are open to it.

Thank you as always for your readership, and happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!

and now a word from me

Posted on November 20, 2013 by carla

Recently people have started leaving me comments on random posts about issues going on all over Chester County. Especially about both the Great Valley School District and the West Chester Area School District. All complained about not having a contact form.

Sorry but this isn’t that kind of blog, which is why I don’t have a contact form like you seek. You are always welcome to leave a comment of course, but this blog is not activism based. This blog is my journey through Chester County, and often just life. It is as I say, writing about whatever strikes my fancy.

That is to say, the subject matter is what interests me. I am not a news outlet per se as a citizen journalist up here. I am sorry, but I did a spin on that kind of blogging for easily ten years. This blog is different. I’m different now and in a different place in my life.

For those new to the blog you will see a lot of my photography and even my recipes. You will see some of my explorations into the county and seemingly endless photos of barns and farmhouses because I love them and each one is like a work of art.

You may see an occasional profile of someone who has touched my life and some of my general musings as a step-mother in training to a teenager. Or a recount of the thrill of the hunt after a particularly good barn pick.

But truly, no matter what a lot of politicians and wannabe politicians might think, this is not a “gotcha” site.

I appreciate the passion of others and I am grateful to my many, many readers and followers, but I have to be true to myself and I can’t be the voice of every issue that needs one. I encourage those of you who have issues with these school districts in particular to step forward and be heard. Write a letter to the Daily Local or contact a TV station. Or you can also start your own blog or contact sites like PaNewz.com which is this cool site started by former NBC10 anchor Tim Lake, who left the station at the end of 2012.

It’s not that I don’t sympathize about what bothers you. I do . For example, do I think it is outrageous in this kind of economy to pay for a bunch of Great Valley school board folks to go to New Orleans on some sort of junket at taxpayer expense? Heck yes, a city often nicknamed Sin City and at $2000 per person for some convention? It is astoundingly piggish for a purportedly fiscally responsible school board to consider that in my opinion. But do I know anything about this? Nope. Of course I am curious as to how many folks other area school districts send to this. But this is not something I really want to tackle.

As for the every Republican is bad in the West Chester Area School District of it all, my lord people give it a REST! There is a slew of new school board members on deck after the election, right? Let’s get through the rest of the year and see what they do. I am no authority here, and have no horse in this race.

One thing that does interest me is what The Daily Local is reporting about former judicial candidate Julia-Malloy Good. In an article by Michael P. Rellahan on November 16th he wrote:

WEST CHESTER — The elimination of a court position in Chester County Family Court that deals with complex divorce cases has sparked complaints and concerns from a number of attorneys in the county who say they fear the replacement system will prove less than efficient.

In addition, because the special hearing master whose position will cease at the end of 2013 is Julia Malloy-Good, the Democratic candidate who came close to winning a seat on the county Common Pleas Court bench this month, some have speculated that there was more to the decision by President Judge James P. MacElree II to do away with the job than meets the eye.

On Nov. 5, Malloy-Good placed third in the three-way race for two seats on the Common Pleas bench…Two days later, on Nov. 7, Malloy-Good was told by the supervising judge in county Family Court, Katherine B.L. Platt, that the position she had held for two years — special master for complex support cases — would be eliminated, effective Dec. 31, an attorney familiar with the situation said in a recent interview. The position had reportedly been included in the county’s proposed 2014 budget.

To be honest, I did not vote for this women and I mocked her campaign signs because they were ones that amused me. The giant “Julia” signs to me were like “Madonna” and “Cher”. HOWEVER, I sure hope this woman isn’t the victim of some political shenanigans don’t you?

I have never had needed the services of a master in family court and I know people who are on both sides of the good and bad opinion of masters. But I do feel personally that they have a role to play in our judicial system. Masters serve a purpose.

Anyway, this to me is indeed a shame and struck a chord, which is why I mentioned it. People have told me that no matter what one thought of Malloy-Good as a judicial candidate that she was good at her soon-to-be former job in the courts.

But this is as far as I want to delve into these things. I am sorry that my head is in a different place, but you too can have a voice where you live. It is easy. And your right.

Enjoy your evenings, all. And thank you very much for reading my blog.

main line mommy d.u.i…..again

Posted on November 13, 2013 by carla

Looks like a happy scene right? Folks enjoying a day of great cars in a beautiful setting and being snapped for the society pages of Main Line Today Magazine. Yes, this is the Radnor Hunt Concour D’Elegance circa 2010.

And then this news breaks:

Wynnewood woman charged in DUI crash, child and dogs were also in the car

Published: Wednesday, November 13, 2013 By Richard Ilgenfritz rilgenfritz@mainlinemedianews.com

Lower Merion police say a woman was driving intoxicated with her 2-year-old child and two dogs when she crashed her car into a utility pole in the Bryn Mawr section of the township Friday.

As a result, the woman is facing numerous charges in connection with the case.

Grace Tuten, 32, of the 1000 block of Clover Hill Road in Wynnewood is facing charges of DUI, endangering the welfare of a child, reckless endangering another person, driving under a suspension, careless driving and related offenses….At police headquarters, Tuten recorded a blood alcohol level of .28, or more than three times the legal limit of .08.

Tuten’s 2-year-old son was a passenger in the car at the time of the crash, shortly after 8 p.m. He was found inside his child seat in the rear of the vehicle. The child was taken to Bryn Mawr Hospital for a precautionary evaluation. Two dogs were also found in the rear cargo area of the car.

The media reports indicate she crashed into a utility pole around Williamson Road and Morris Avenue in Bryn Mawr and kept driving even after that, hitting a mailbox and stuff in addition. CBS 3 reports she was driving on a suspended license. Grace Tuten appears to be pending her preliminary hearing as per the court dockets.

This accident which could have killed her, her small child, and two dogs occurred I would guesstimate less than a mile from the August DUI of Meredith Williams Earle that killed a florist delivery man in Bryn Mawr. Meredith Williams-Earle goes to county court it looks like in early 2014. Williams-Earle’s attorney was in the newspaper in September saying his client should get her license back.

Here we have another sad state of affairs and the commonality is kind of eerie. Both Main Line born and bred women and products of fine private schools and good colleges. Both married. Both have small children. Tuten is 32 and Williams-Earle is 30.

What has gone wrong here? How do families not know if someone is having issues? Do that many people really in this day and age routinely drive around comfortably numb? Where was Tuten coming from? It was 8 p.m. on a Friday so where was she coming from or going to and where was her husband? And who exactly let her get behind the wheel of a car? With a blood alcohol level of 0.28 was she visibly intoxicated? Who lets a young mother get into a car with her child and two dogs?

To me this is an alarming issue. And with two to hit the news a couple months apart , I truly see this as an issue. But if we are honest, by varying degrees this is not a new issue. It’s just not one discussed in public as much as whispered down the lane.

These women like Grace Tuten need help and they need our compassion. I said that when I wrote the post titled “deadly decision”. I see another young mom in crisis here.

Who is listening to these women? I wonder if these women had postpartum or other depression? Or are they simply experiencing pressures of being a modern Main Line mommy?

Since I have moved to Chester County I have even encountered some similar mommies, closer to my own age. One woman in the Giant a few weeks ago literally reeked of alcohol when she passed me with her cart. A friend said I should have called the police, but where was my proof? I did not see her drink. We live in such a litigious society that can it be considered a real Catch 22.

Alcoholism is an awful disease. I have friends who have been “in the program” for years. Including now not so young moms. Some have been successful working their programs, others not so much.

I have no idea what was going on with this woman Grace Tuten but I do believe the pressures they experience as young moms and wives in an affluent area are very real. And as a little girl, I remember the moms who were my mother’s generation who tippled. One in the mid 1970s called her popping pills with a cocktail chaser a “mommy’s pick-me-up”.

Grace Tuten lives in Wynnewood but was in the Bryn Mawr close to Gladwyne area with her child and her dogs, so she was somewhere she knew people really well perhaps? Or at a local restaurant?

I don’t know the motive, don’t know the woman but I feel for her because as a friend of mine said today who is a mom who had postpartum that she believes mothers just don’t intentionally put their kids in harm’s way. So I am going to stick with that.

The path to parenthood is not necessarily an easy one. I know many women who didn’t make easy transitions from working girl to SAHM (Stay At Home Mom) or did the whole motherhood and career thing easily.

I can tell you as a stepmother in training to an awesome now teenager, I have not had it all come easily. The love is there, but here I am in my late 40s becoming a parent for the first time. It is hard work to be a parent. And while I have enjoyed my transition from a woman who worked her whole life to being in essence a mostly stay at home parent, it is not as easy as it sounds. It sounds lovely, it is lovely, but it is a major life transition. And wow can you feel guilty for keeping house which is a job in and of itself.

But with age comes life experience, so in some ways, I think it has been easier for me than some of the younger mothers. With these younger women, they are not so many years removed from their single and young married party days. Most of their Facebook pages tell that tale rather readily. So here they are in a fairy tale life to some that on the inside for whatever reason might not be such a fine fairy tale. So do they drink socially and then it becomes drinking to take the edge off of the reality of life? Or do they just do the mommy pick me up to take the edge off and it gets out of hand?

I don’t really know. All I know is this is yet another case of a well-educated, well-bred young woman ending up with a DUI with her child in the car. I am hoping this is a topic that mom bloggers in the area will take up. Why? Because I think there needs to be a conversation.

The pressure to be the perfect woman is a very real thing. And the sooner we, as women can learn to stop beating ourselves up for not being paragons of perfection, the better. And yes that is a lesson I also have to learn and accept. (Some days are just better than others and self-perception is a tricky and cheeky devil.)

I wish life and fixing life issues was as simple as Cher’s infamous line in “Moonstruck” – you know – “Snap out of it!” – but it’s not. It takes work. Relationships take work, families take work. Yes there is love and all the good stuff, but you get the good stuff by working together, don’t you?

So mom bloggers out there, I hope you will take the time to talk about this issue. Not to be a salacious gossip, but to discuss how we can, as women, address this. And offer support but not enabling to those we might know who are in need.

This is just sad, and like I was sad for Meredith Williams-Earle, I am sad for Grace Tuten. So young to have screwed up so much. And the last thing to consider are the people who never think this will happen to them. The “I’ll just have one drink” theory.

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December 6, 2013 3:51 PM

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